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When his fianc?e falls seriously ill, a brilliant and tortured scientist goes on a dangerous quest to find the revolutionary invention that would save her. But the feeling of being manipulated by mysterious people since childhood is becoming more and more real.
The first sentence is almost a solid logline on its own, but there isn't a real hook there -- at least not one that would get me excited.? The second sentence looks like it's meant to add that hook in, and I appreciate that.? The main issue I have is that it's not tied in with the first sentence, whRead more
The first sentence is almost a solid logline on its own, but there isn’t a real hook there — at least not one that would get me excited.? The second sentence looks like it’s meant to add that hook in, and I appreciate that.? The main issue I have is that it’s not tied in with the first sentence, which is the main plot/story.? I think it’s not so necessary to describe the scientist as brilliant.? He’s dealing with revolutionary inventions, so we can assume that.? He’s also probably tortured, having a seriously ill wife that he desperately needs an invention for.? I’d try to replace those adjectives with something that relates, or maybe replaces the second sentence.? What is it about the scientist that make these mysterious people reach out to him?? Can you at least hint at that with a new adjective?? You might also get more room taking out “dangerous quest”.? Actually, I’m betting “dangerous quest” has something to do with that second sentence, since just trying to invent things isn’t inherently dangerous.? At least expanding on what this quest is all about might explain how the mysterious people tie in.
See lessThe Balcony-Scaler, The Train-Feeder, The Skin-Scratcher, and The Pornographic-Men. All serial killers. Their crimes committed the same decade, inside the same city where detectives will lose hope in search of justice.
LOGLINE UPDATE #1: Detectives lose hope in search of justice after it becomes apparent a variety of serial killers are active inside the same city and multiple murders are committed within the span of a decade.
LOGLINE UPDATE #1:
Detectives lose hope in search of justice after it becomes apparent a variety of serial killers are active inside the same city and multiple murders are committed within the span of a decade.
See lessA guilt-ridden psychiatrist delves into the occult to save his family when the evil spirit of a patient who killed himself haunts them.
My first impression was that I liked it, but you needed to be more specific with what this "delving" entails.? I think all you need to do is replace it with something more concrete, like unlocking the secret to an occult ritual. "When a guilt-ridden psychiatrist's family is threatened by the spiritRead more
My first impression was that I liked it, but you needed to be more specific with what this “delving” entails.? I think all you need to do is replace it with something more concrete, like unlocking the secret to an occult ritual.
“When a guilt-ridden psychiatrist’s family is threatened by the spirit of a former patient that killed himself, he must unlock the secret to an occult ritual to save them.”
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