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  1. Posted: March 23, 2019In: Thriller

    After pledging his eyes posthumous, a highschool nerd must evade fatal attacks from a blind cameraman (on a hunt for matching doner)

    Best Answer
    Sienna Logliner
    Added an answer on March 24, 2019 at 2:01 am

    When a high school nerd pledges to donate his eyes after death, he finds himself in a battle for his life against a blind cameraman desperate to? find a matching donor.

    When a high school nerd pledges to donate his eyes after death, he finds himself in a battle for his life against a blind cameraman desperate to? find a matching donor.

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  2. Posted: March 2, 2019In: Thriller

    When the dark secrets of a timid family man are about to be exposed by an anonymous source, he must take on dangerous assignments over the course of one night, in an attempt to save his marriage and family.

    Dkpough1 Uberwriter
    Added an answer on March 4, 2019 at 7:57 am

    Logline: "When the dark secrets of a timid family man are about to be exposed by an anonymous source, he must take on dangerous assignments over the course of one night, in an attempt to save his marriage and family." (39 words) Overall, the logline describes a simple-sounding story. But as mentioneRead more

    Logline: “When the dark secrets of a timid family man are about to be exposed by an anonymous source, he must take on dangerous assignments over the course of one night, in an attempt to save his marriage and family.” (39 words)

    Overall, the logline describes a simple-sounding story. But as mentioned in previous reviews, parts which are vague and parts extraneous to the logline make it too long and weaken the overall logline.

    Breakdown:
    Protagonist: “a timid family man” —> This is okay. But I suggest a rewrite –? if the protagonist is religiously devout and thus strongly believes in the sanctity of marriage, for example, that could be expressed which makes any past actions which seem to go against his values have value and add more stakes.

    Antagonist: “an anonymous source” —> This could be cut from the logline. It tells the reader nothing about the antagonist. Consider changing this to a more general statement.(Will include example at end of review)

    Inciting incident: “When the dark secrets of a timid family man are about to be exposed by an anonymous source” —> The logline describes what appears to be the correct inciting incident, but this could be reworded. Also, ‘dark secrets’ is too vague.

    Goal: “he must take on dangerous assignments over the course of one night, in an attempt to save his marriage and family” —> As mentioned by another member, “in an attempt to save his marriage and family” isn’t useful to this logline. The goal of the story is to prevent the exposure of his secrets.

    An example, using elements from your logline:?After he receives an anonymous letter threatening to expose his illicit affair, a devout Christian cop must impede a murder investigation to protect his secret. (25 words, 166 characters)

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  3. Posted: February 27, 2019In: Thriller

    After discovering their only son is gay, a Pentecostal family goes to extreme lengths to rid him of what they consider to be evil.

    Mike Pedley Singularity
    Added an answer on February 27, 2019 at 7:12 pm

    As Richiev pointed out, telling this story from the perspective of the parents is not the norm. Not saying it can't be done, but it might be really difficult to get the audience on side when their goal is to cure their son's homosexuality. Admittedly, they have the biggest journey to go on but theyRead more

    As Richiev pointed out, telling this story from the perspective of the parents is not the norm. Not saying it can’t be done, but it might be really difficult to get the audience on side when their goal is to cure their son’s homosexuality. Admittedly, they have the biggest journey to go on but they have to be likeable within the first 15 mins of the film for the audience to stick with them. If they were faced by social pressures and scared to accept their son as different it could present a nice family drama. I see this as a drama too, currently at least.

    Extreme lengths – what do extreme lengths look like on screen? We need more information to help us imagine this story completely. If these parents are torturing their son I really struggle to see how the audience will be on board with them BUT tell it from the son’s perspective and still show how conflicted the parents are and I think it would totally work.

    Struggling to see this as a thriller… what makes it thrilling?

    Hope this helps.

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