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After his girlfriend is kidnapped, an insecure stickler for the rules is forced to put himself into increasingly more dangerous and illegal situations over the course of one night in order to get the money to rescue her, while being chased by the entire police force of his town.
I agree with CraigDGriffiths. All the elements are there, it needs to be tightened up though. Inciting incident - The only thing I'd consider changing is adding who actually kidnapped her. It makes us aware of who the antagonist actually is and, as CraigDGriffiths pointed out, can hint at their motiRead more
I agree with CraigDGriffiths. All the elements are there, it needs to be tightened up though.
Inciting incident – The only thing I’d consider changing is adding who actually kidnapped her. It makes us aware of who the antagonist actually is and, as CraigDGriffiths pointed out, can hint at their motive so they’re not just one dimensional bad guys.
Protagonist – “an insecure stickler for the rules” – could you just say he’s “a law-abiding worrier” or “a straight-laced worrywart”? I think this covers e everything you want to tell us in 3 fewer words.
Goal – “to rescue her” – ties up with the I.I. and makes sense. I think the actions he takes to achieve this could be trimmed quite a lot. “is forced to put himself into increasingly more dangerous and illegal situations over the course of one night in order to get the money” – 24 words… that’s a lot! Would something like “must break the law and avoid the cops to get the money” work?
When his girlfriend is kidnapped by her gangster ex-boyfriend, a law-abiding worrier must become a criminal and evade the cops in order to get enough money to rescue her.
Hope this helps.
See lessSHORT: When a bank robbery goes wrong, a naive and desperate young man has 3 hours to retrieve the stolen money in order to save his grandmother?s life, while being chased by the entire police force of his small town.
How about this ? When a bank robbery goes wrong and his partner is caught by the police with the bag of money, a naive and desperate young man has 3 hours to retrieve the stolen money in order to save his grandmother?s life, while being chased by the entire police force of his small town.
How about this ?
When a bank robbery goes wrong and his partner is caught by the police with the bag of money, a naive and desperate young man has 3 hours to retrieve the stolen money in order to save his grandmother?s life, while being chased by the entire police force of his small town.
See lessWhen a new long range torpedo is fired and goes missing, a submarine commander must find the torpedo before it finds a target and starts a war.
Yep, as others have mentioned needs more info. Even if it was connected to systems that detect threats, which are being built today, and it determined that its creators were the threat. My only other thing, which maybe is explained in story, is: If the missisle picks it?s target and goes for it, wouRead more
Yep, as others have mentioned needs more info. Even if it was connected to systems that detect threats, which are being built today, and it determined that its creators were the threat.
My only other thing, which maybe is explained in story, is: If the missisle picks it?s target and goes for it, would a submarine actually have any chance of stopping it? Wouldn?t it be going too fast under water or be out of the water?
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