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A man tormented by the death of his wife and daughter, which he accuses himself of, will have to endure the apparitions of the ghosts of his family who also blame him for their deaths.
Agree with mikepedley85 on every point.? ?This logline is all about a troubled past, a guilt present.? Not a clue as to where the story is going, what the action will be going forward.? And that's what a logline should be about, not where a character has been, or is now, but where he is struggling tRead more
Agree with mikepedley85 on every point.? ?This logline is all about a troubled past, a guilt present.? Not a clue as to where the story is going, what the action will be going forward.? And that’s what a logline should be about, not where a character has been, or is now, but where he is struggling to go in the future.
See lessA guilt-ridden priest with a dark secret finds himself held hostage in a Catholic confessional by a sinister, unseen terrorist wearing a suicide vest strapped with explosives.
Simultaneously provides too much information and not enough. "Guilt-ridden priest" is enough to define your protagonist - don't tell us here he has a secret; reveal it in the story. Also if he's feeling that guilty, a dark secret is implied. No one "finds" themselves doing something. It's weak wordiRead more
Simultaneously provides too much information and not enough.
“Guilt-ridden priest” is enough to define your protagonist – don’t tell us here he has a secret; reveal it in the story. Also if he’s feeling that guilty, a dark secret is implied.
No one “finds” themselves doing something. It’s weak wording, makes your character passive. If he’s held hostage, just say he’s held hostage, then give us an idea what he’s going to do about it. That makes him active.
You already told us he’s a priest in a confessional; why specify Catholic? Isn’t that a given? If not, does it matter? Maybe in the story, but not here. Get rid of any extraneous words.
Being a terrorist already defines the antagonist as such; no need to describe such a person as sinister. He’s a bad guy, we get it. Also no need to tell us the guy’s unseen, because it brings up too many questions: if he’s unseen, how do we know he’s a terrorist or what he’s wearing? Surely the script itself can answer these, but no need to raise them here. Just tell us who, what, and why. Leave the intricate details for later.
More unnecessary words: suicide vest. “Strapped with explosives” pretty much tells us everything.
Cutting all this down leaves you with “A guilt-ridden priest is held hostage in a confessional by a terrorist strapped with explosives.” Succinct, but this is what I mean by not enough information. You’ve told us who and what, now we need to know why. You’ve given us the protagonist, antagonist, and the stakes, but what’s the conflict? Sure, one guy’s threatening to blow up the other guy, who probably doesn’t want this to happen, but what’s the real reason for all this? What’s caused the confrontation? Why this priest, why here, why now? Is it related to his guilt, his secret? Surely it must be, but you have to give us a taste to make the story compelling.
As an example, without knowing the actual story: “A guilt-ridden priest is held hostage in a confessional by a terrorist strapped with explosives who claims to be his long lost son.” You can’t just tell us who’s in the story and what it’s about; you have to tell us why it’s a story.
See lessAn inner-city terrorist attack traps a disgraced former politician and an anarchist student protestor in an elevator on the 67th floor of a burning building with little hope of help. When suspicion of each other’s involvement in the incident arises, they are forced to re-examine their assumptions about each other and cooperate if they want to survive.
The film sounds like a buddy movie with two buddies who hate each other, but have to work together. Something like Hell in the Pacific, but in a burning building. Or perhaps a crossover between Hell in the Pacific and Die Hard (terrorists in a building). However, what is the main action that they arRead more
The film sounds like a buddy movie with two buddies who hate each other, but have to work together. Something like Hell in the Pacific, but in a burning building. Or perhaps a crossover between Hell in the Pacific and Die Hard (terrorists in a building).
However, what is the main action that they are expected to perform?
I would expect that step (1) would require some minor actions and (2) would have unexpected complications; perhaps terrorists are still in the building?
But there should be something more specific than “work together.” “Work together” could be something as simple as one pushing the other up through the hatch above their heads -and then the film ends.
Note: You know that it’s way to long for a logline, don’t you? -58 words or so. (Bravo, Richiev, for doing a great job chopping it down!)
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