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  1. Posted: September 18, 2018In: Thriller

    A young brother and sister, illegal immigrants, must find a way to escape from a heavily guarded, experimental farm in South Texas when their coworkers start disappearing.

    mrliteral Samurai
    Added an answer on September 18, 2018 at 6:54 am

    Sloppy, and vague. Young; how young? Five, fifteen, twenty-five? They're all young, it's a relative term. What is an experimental farm? Why would a farm be heavily guarded; soybean rustlers? Does it matter it's in south Texas vs. north or west, or Texas at all? Why the need to leave just because cowRead more

    Sloppy, and vague. Young; how young? Five, fifteen, twenty-five? They’re all young, it’s a relative term. What is an experimental farm? Why would a farm be heavily guarded; soybean rustlers? Does it matter it’s in south Texas vs. north or west, or Texas at all? Why the need to leave just because coworkers disappear? Ever have a job where someone just isn’t there one day? People quit, get fired, don’t show up; there’s nothing sinister about it. If there is, give us a clue.

    You need to provide specifics regarding what this story is actually about, do it in a single sentence without halting in the middle to update it, and without being TOO specific when not necessary. A logline is just to make someone want to read more; it doesn’t matter at this point they’re brother and sister…just use siblings. We don’t need to know it’s Texas, or even the U.S.; only provide personal detail that helps define their conflict.

    A pair of illegal immigrant siblings must escape a work farm when it becomes clear the company performs dangerous experiments on its employees.

    Not very poetic, but I’m sure you can improve on it. The point is, it sets up the two leads while defining? – in broad strokes, but with clear details – their situation, their opposition, and their downfall if they fail. The fact they’re illegal shows they need whatever work they can get, but also how they can’t go to the authorities with whatever evidence they have. Plus it highlights the David & Goliath aspect of two kids facing down an entire evil organization.

    Protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes…that’s all a logline needs. The rest goes in a script, treatment, or synopsis.

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  2. Posted: September 12, 2018In: Thriller

    When an aspiring electro musician is suspected for her cousins disappearance, she must prove her innocence by making her upcoming music producer alibi.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on September 16, 2018 at 4:49 pm

    Good points made above. If she indeed did kill the cousin, you'd need a damn good reason for to have done such a bad thing and still be a character we want to empathize with.

    Good points made above.
    If she indeed did kill the cousin, you’d need a damn good reason for to have done such a bad thing and still be a character we want to empathize with.

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  3. Posted: September 12, 2018In: Thriller

    When a contract killer murders the wrong person, he must hire a body guard to protect himself from his own employer.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai
    Added an answer on September 15, 2018 at 5:45 am

    I agree with all of the above. The bodyguard steals the action and the hitman feels weak and passive. I am interested in the bodyguard, if the body guard proves to be a complimentary character in a buddy movie. For example, in case of a comedy: When a perfectionist hitman kills the wrong person, heRead more

    I agree with all of the above. The bodyguard steals the action and the hitman feels weak and passive.

    I am interested in the bodyguard, if the body guard proves to be a complimentary character in a buddy movie. For example, in case of a comedy:

    When a perfectionist hitman kills the wrong person, he must escape his mafia boss employer with the help of a haphazard bouncer.

    OK, it probably is totally different from your intentions, but it’s an example where the two characters compliment and contrast each other.

    Otherwise, as long as the hitman is the protagonist, the bodyguard is secondary and should not steal the show.

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