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Whilst on a quest to capture the legendary Bunyip, an amateur botanist uncovers a small town’s dark secret that he probes at his peril.
Not bad. The Bunyip doesn't mean anything to me as a word, so perhaps a better replacement would be the same format as for the main character (role and description), but that's just me. It seems the core of the story is about the town's dark secret and him probing it, so perhaps the Bunyip is unneccRead more
Not bad. The Bunyip doesn’t mean anything to me as a word, so perhaps a better replacement would be the same format as for the main character (role and description), but that’s just me. It seems the core of the story is about the town’s dark secret and him probing it, so perhaps the Bunyip is unneccesary? Is this a famous man?
Ah… I just Googled it. I’d suggest if you’re going for a broader, not just Australian audience, you may want a description like, “legendary cryptid, Bunyip.”
So there’s an inciting event – uncovering a small town’s dark secret… obviously the botanist is at peril for probing it – I like that, but the last six words fall flat for me because I’m not getting a sense of what’s more specifically at stake for him, other than general peril, which is harder to connect to emotionally.
(I feel general things like peril, death, etc. are harder to connect with than more specific things that the character faces or wants – like: “he’ll face eternal damnation”… “to get his kids back”…”to try to earn the love of his father”… “to achieve his lifelong dream of becoming a karate master”…etc.)
Why can’t he walk away from this town? Does he have to overcome anything on this quest? Why does this quest or the town’s secret matter to him personally?
So… an amateur botanist uncovers a small town’s dark secret and is compelled to probe further because/when/….
i.e.;
… an amateur botanist uncovers a small town’s dark secret and despite the peril, he probes further in hope to solve the mysterious disappearance his closest childhood friend.
…When an amateur botanist stumbles on a small town’s dark secret during his quest to capture the Bunyip, he falls in love with the local librarian but will face a terrible decision when he discovers she’s the very cryptid he’s been hunting.
Haha, obviously those examples could be way better, but hopefully it kick starts the imagination as how to explain why it matters to him. I’m intrigued, personally. I like stories with cryptids. 😉
See less1861, Camargue, France. A young orphan Provencal is shanghaied by a rogue Confederate ship on its maiden voyage out of England and journeys into the US Civil War running a cargo of guns through the Union blockade known as the “Anaconda.”
Hi markferland, Congratulations on your first script and first logline. Since you are writing your first script and this is your first logline, I strongly recommend: 1- Clicking on the 'Formula' icon at the top of this page. Study the contents 2- Re-write using widely understood terms 3- Use correctRead more
Hi markferland,
Congratulations on your first script and first logline. Since you are writing your first script and this is your first logline, I strongly recommend:
1- Clicking on the ‘Formula’ icon at the top of this page. Study the contents
2- Re-write using widely understood terms
3- Use correct grammar and check your spelling before posting.
I wish you good luck and hope to see more of your loglines
See lessImprisoned cowboy elephant, Rabab (45), is presented with a 3-day do or die mission – capture a cowgirl vigilante, Sky (20), or his bomb collar will be detonated. But when Sky reveals that the Sheriff who imprisoned Rabab was involved in the genocide of Rabab’s race, Rabab must team up with Sky, take down the Sheriff and his deputies, and remove the bomb collar before his trunk blows off.
it sounds interesting but the logline needs to be reworked. it has the main elements of a good one since we have a little idea of who is the character, who is the force against him and what are the stakes. making it shorter and brief will be ideal.
it sounds interesting but the logline needs to be reworked. it has the main elements of a good one since we have a little idea of who is the character, who is the force against him and what are the stakes. making it shorter and brief will be ideal.
See less