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When it seems his past will destroy his future, a successful young man turns vigilante.
Hi! I'm not a pro in logline so this is just my opinion. Using the verb "seems" feels unclear and it feels like your logline is missing a real clear action. I don't understand the reason why he turns vigilante. What is going to change for him by doing that? I would say: When a successful young man rRead more
Hi!
I’m not a pro in logline so this is just my opinion.
Using the verb “seems” feels unclear and it feels like your logline is missing a real clear action. I don’t understand the reason why he turns vigilante. What is going to change for him by doing that?
I would say: When a successful young man realizes that his past will destroy his future, he turns vigilante and helps/ do something…. in order to ….
something like that.
Hope it helps 🙂
See lessA mechanic's apprentice recovers a magical artifact, which makes him a target for demonic soldiers and a bounty hunter, and struggles to escape to a safe haven without being tracked there or losing the artifact.
Maybe just to make it a little bit more active: After a mechanic's apprentice recovers a magical artifact, he becomes the target of both a bounty hunter and demonic soldiers, he has x amount of time to get the artifact to a safe house before the bad guys do x to him.
Maybe just to make it a little bit more active:
After a mechanic’s apprentice recovers a magical artifact, he becomes the target of both a bounty hunter and demonic soldiers, he has x amount of time to get the artifact to a safe house before the bad guys do x to him.
See lessThey were enemies on the cricket grounds before war breaks out but now they face a common enemy in Malaya. They have to defend a bridge that would prevent the Japanese army reaching Singapore. An impossible task that creates the first heroes and martyrs of the Pacific War.
Anwardi, nice work. Let's break this down from 48 words to 30ish. We need The Big Three – the hero, goal, and problem of your story and genre. Two rivals on the cricket field are conscripted to fight in the Pacific War where they must defend a bridge to prevent the Japanese army from reaching SingapRead more
Anwardi, nice work. Let’s break this down from 48 words to 30ish. We need The Big Three – the hero, goal, and problem of your story and genre.
Two rivals on the cricket field are conscripted to fight in the Pacific War where they must defend a bridge to prevent the Japanese army from reaching Singapore.
I’m not saying this is the one to use but it’s the same as yours just in 28 words and it doesn’t give away the ending. The stakes are good and the genre is clear. It’s just my quick thoughts so keep working on it. I hope you get it made, I’ll go watch it!
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