1. Posted: August 31, 2015In:

    A single desperate fathers journey to save his daughter from a rare disease, he embarks on the seemingly impossible journey inside of area 51 where the only known antidote is, with bad luck finding him along the way and time not on his side, his daughter begins to fade fast.

    CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter

    A father must sneak inside Area 51 to steal the only antidote to save his dying daughter. You can add and subtract as you like. But the shorter the better, straight to the heart of the story.

    A father must sneak inside Area 51 to steal the only antidote to save his dying daughter.

    You can add and subtract as you like. But the shorter the better, straight to the heart of the story.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: September 2, 2015In:

    An inexperienced detective finds evidence at a murder scene strangely matching that found at her mother?s death 20 years earlier and finds herself drawn into a vortex of deceit, terror and retribution

    gokulthedreamer Logliner

    "An inexperienced detective finds evidence at a murder scene strangely matching that found at her mother?s death 20 years earlier and finds herself drawn into a vortex of deceit, terror and retribution" "Murder" is too OPEN, can be more specific (like ?a character / age / locale / occupation of theRead more

    “An inexperienced detective finds evidence at a murder scene strangely matching that found at her mother?s death 20 years earlier and finds herself drawn into a vortex of deceit, terror and retribution”

    “Murder” is too OPEN, can be more specific (like ?a character / age / locale / occupation of the victim i.e. ideally contrasting with her mother) “Murder of….”

    Conflict & Stakes… MISSING!

    “deceit, terror and retribution”: Reaction… / The Action: MISSING!

    more light can be thrown on the mother, apart from just being “dead”, cos she is the only other character you’ve disclosed, its not really possible to empathise with either of them!

    hope this helps…
    Cheers!

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: September 2, 2015In:

    When a billionaire discovers the Garden of Eden, two Biblical revisionists set out to debunk him, until they learn it might be the fountain of youth.

    seanamulvihill Logliner

    if it is important there are 2 protagonists, then there's got to be a conflict between the 2, i think... "when 2 Biblical scholars?investigate claims of a true garden of eded, their partnership and their faiths are tested."

    if it is important there are 2 protagonists, then there’s got to be a conflict between the 2, i think…

    “when 2 Biblical scholars?investigate claims of a true garden of eded, their partnership and their faiths are tested.”

    See less
    • 0