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  1. Posted: September 2, 2015In: Public

    After the mysterious arrival of a stolen diamond and her missing brother's diary, an art forgery expert discovers that her long lost family was involved in an unsolved international crime, and is forced on a quest through the dark catacombs of Siberia to discover the truth

    cynosurer Logliner
    Added an answer on January 10, 2016 at 5:42 am

    So many disconnects, as Nir pointed out. I'll add just two more. How does and art fraud investigator's background relate to a jewel theft? Why does she go to Europe when Siberia is in Asia? ?I had to google Siberian catacombs as I was only familiar with the European ones, Nice setting. Kudos for thaRead more

    So many disconnects, as Nir pointed out. I’ll add just two more.

    How does and art fraud investigator’s background relate to a jewel theft?

    Why does she go to Europe when Siberia is in Asia? ?I had to google Siberian catacombs as I was only familiar with the European ones, Nice setting. Kudos for that but I not seeing the need for it in the logline.

    Why ‘must’ or ?how ‘thrust’? ?Doesn’t look like anything compelling other than curiosity. As opposed to this thirty word version: ??When the?stolen Eye of the Czar diamond, ?a cryptic message. and the authorities land on her doorstep, an art fraud investigator must?prove she is not her father’s?’fence’.

    I only do exactly 30 word loglines (it’s a personal challenge not some silly rule you need to follow). But it hints at a lot of the elements you’ve given us so far. Eye of the Czar ratchets up the ‘importance’ of the theft and links it to Siberia. ?Her father’s fence is what the authorities believe but it leaves it open as to what his real guilt or innocence or involvement is. and now she has to go on her journey or risk going to jail. This may not be your story but I could see where it could make your first ten pages the page turner it needs to be.

    Anyway, good luck with it. Take what you want from it. Trash the rest.

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  2. Posted: August 31, 2015In: Public

    A single desperate fathers journey to save his daughter from a rare disease, he embarks on the seemingly impossible journey inside of area 51 where the only known antidote is, with bad luck finding him along the way and time not on his side, his daughter begins to fade fast.

    CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter
    Added an answer on December 12, 2015 at 10:37 pm

    A father must sneak inside Area 51 to steal the only antidote to save his dying daughter. You can add and subtract as you like. But the shorter the better, straight to the heart of the story.

    A father must sneak inside Area 51 to steal the only antidote to save his dying daughter.

    You can add and subtract as you like. But the shorter the better, straight to the heart of the story.

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  3. Posted: September 2, 2015In: Public

    An inexperienced detective finds evidence at a murder scene strangely matching that found at her mother?s death 20 years earlier and finds herself drawn into a vortex of deceit, terror and retribution

    gokulthedreamer Logliner
    Added an answer on December 10, 2015 at 1:07 am

    "An inexperienced detective finds evidence at a murder scene strangely matching that found at her mother?s death 20 years earlier and finds herself drawn into a vortex of deceit, terror and retribution" "Murder" is too OPEN, can be more specific (like ?a character / age / locale / occupation of theRead more

    “An inexperienced detective finds evidence at a murder scene strangely matching that found at her mother?s death 20 years earlier and finds herself drawn into a vortex of deceit, terror and retribution”

    “Murder” is too OPEN, can be more specific (like ?a character / age / locale / occupation of the victim i.e. ideally contrasting with her mother) “Murder of….”

    Conflict & Stakes… MISSING!

    “deceit, terror and retribution”: Reaction… / The Action: MISSING!

    more light can be thrown on the mother, apart from just being “dead”, cos she is the only other character you’ve disclosed, its not really possible to empathise with either of them!

    hope this helps…
    Cheers!

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