1. Posted: March 21, 2013In:

    After the death of his estranged father, Robert Krunch, a disgruntled office worker in his late 20s, must take his fathers place as an elite high speed hover car racer for a chance at a new life.

    Tor Dollhouse

    I disagree strongly with the above comments.. What are the stakes ?? Why must he take his fathers place.. What new life ?? Be specific not generic.. Names and age are irrelevant and should only be used when there is an historical figure.. The logline reads like one scene, probably the inciting incidRead more

    I disagree strongly with the above comments..

    What are the stakes ?? Why must he take his fathers place..
    What new life ?? Be specific not generic..

    Names and age are irrelevant and should only be used when there is an historical figure..

    The logline reads like one scene, probably the inciting incident..

    Also the protagonist is generic and boring. Give our hero an occupation that intrigues us..
    Great conflict comes from circumstance..

    Happy writing 😀

    Tor

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  2. Posted: March 21, 2013In:

    When the bosses lady catches her philandering husband cheating, she takes revenge doing hits from the inside, but when a bounty is put on her head she must survive the snakes on the strip.

    Richiev Singularity

    Hit the wrong button :) ^^^ Is the lady the wife of a mob boss? (You just say boss, so it could be a corporate boss) If so I would start with, "When the wife of a mob boss catches him cheating..." I find it helps if you name the protagonist first. Example: Wife of mob boss instead of Bosses wife; beRead more

    Hit the wrong button 🙂 ^^^

    Is the lady the wife of a mob boss? (You just say boss, so it could be a corporate boss)

    If so I would start with, “When the wife of a mob boss catches him cheating…”

    I find it helps if you name the protagonist first. Example: Wife of mob boss instead of Bosses wife; because that helps making it clear right off the bat who the protagonist is.

    Hope that helped. good luck with this.

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  3. Posted: March 21, 2013In:

    Skilled apprentice of local Black smith armed only with a suit of Armour and shovel, Must break the seal of the gloom wizard, To free his kingdom and bride to be.Before the monstrous fear is released from graves peak.

    scott davey

    "skilled" need to be changed a weakness, magic-less or an idea like that

    “skilled” need to be changed a weakness, magic-less or an idea like that

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