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When a best friend dies and returns as a ghost, a human girl must determine if her best friend is who she says she is.
A: The term, 'human girl' is awkward, I would drop it completely. (Perhaps give us a personality trait) B: You should say, 'her best friend,' instead of 'a best friend' (It's more personal) C: You don't have to tell us the friend dies and returns as a ghost, since being a ghost implies the best frieRead more
A: The term, ‘human girl’ is awkward, I would drop it completely. (Perhaps give us a personality trait)
B: You should say, ‘her best friend,’ instead of ‘a best friend’ (It’s more personal)
C: You don’t have to tell us the friend dies and returns as a ghost, since being a ghost implies the best friend is dead.
However, despite my nitpicks, the logline isn’t that far off. Not bad.
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“When her best friend returns as a ghost, a (lonely college student) must determine if her incorporeal best friend is who she says she is.”
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btw I put ‘lonely college student’ in parentheses, but if the lead character is a high school student, or a banker, or she is ‘enthusiastic’ replace my example with whatever traits best describe the character.
When a car swerves into a telephone pole, a young girl rushes to help the injured driver; but when the driver takes her hostage as police arrive, she must find a way to escape her captor.
You really pulled me into the world and gave a good idea of how the story will take shape, to have her be captured is a twist that surprises me and makes me want to watch the final film/read the screenplay. Only thing I'd say is to clean up the syntax; specifically the third "when" makes it feel a bRead more
You really pulled me into the world and gave a good idea of how the story will take shape, to have her be captured is a twist that surprises me and makes me want to watch the final film/read the screenplay.
See lessOnly thing I’d say is to clean up the syntax; specifically the third “when” makes it feel a bit clunky to read. Maybe, “but when the driver takes her hostage before the police arrive, she must find a way to escape her captor.”
Overall, really great job.
When her criminal partner is murdered by her boss, a two-bit thief must infiltrate the ranks of his operation and take her revenge.
Hey Sam! I'm sure you've got a clear idea of what this story will be, but the logline is a little vague. What line of business are they in? Who actually is the protagonist/how would you describe her? Why MUST she take revenge and not go to the authorities? It sounds like a very promising idea that IRead more
Hey Sam!
I’m sure you’ve got a clear idea of what this story will be, but the logline is a little vague. What line of business are they in? Who actually is the protagonist/how would you describe her? Why MUST she take revenge and not go to the authorities?
It sounds like a very promising idea that I’m sure you’ll polish up very nicely!
– Lachie
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