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  1. Posted: June 22, 2022In: Student Loglines

    When a best friend dies and returns as a ghost, a human girl must determine if her best friend is who she says she is.

    Richiev Singularity
    Added an answer on June 22, 2022 at 7:51 pm

    A: The term, 'human girl' is awkward, I would drop it completely. (Perhaps give us a personality trait) B: You should say, 'her best friend,' instead of 'a best friend' (It's more personal) C: You don't have to tell us the friend dies and returns as a ghost, since being a ghost implies the best frieRead more

    A: The term, ‘human girl’ is awkward, I would drop it completely. (Perhaps give us a personality trait)
    B: You should say, ‘her best friend,’ instead of ‘a best friend’ (It’s more personal)
    C: You don’t have to tell us the friend dies and returns as a ghost, since being a ghost implies the best friend is dead.

    However, despite my nitpicks, the logline isn’t that far off. Not bad.
    —–
    “When her best friend returns as a ghost, a (lonely college student) must determine if her incorporeal best friend is who she says she is.”
    —–
    btw I put ‘lonely college student’ in parentheses, but if the lead character is a high school student, or a banker, or she is ‘enthusiastic’ replace my example with whatever traits best describe the character.

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  2. Posted: June 22, 2022In: Student Loglines

    When a car swerves into a telephone pole, a young girl rushes to help the injured driver; but when the driver takes her hostage as police arrive, she must find a way to escape her captor.

    svasta Penpusher
    Added an answer on June 22, 2022 at 4:08 pm

    You really pulled me into the world and gave a good idea of how the story will take shape, to have her be captured is a twist that surprises me and makes me want to watch the final film/read the screenplay. Only thing I'd say is to clean up the syntax; specifically the third "when" makes it feel a bRead more

    You really pulled me into the world and gave a good idea of how the story will take shape, to have her be captured is a twist that surprises me and makes me want to watch the final film/read the screenplay.
    Only thing I’d say is to clean up the syntax; specifically the third “when” makes it feel a bit clunky to read. Maybe, “but when the driver takes her hostage before the police arrive, she must find a way to escape her captor.”
    Overall, really great job.

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  3. Posted: June 22, 2022In: Student Loglines

    When her criminal partner is murdered by her boss, a two-bit thief must infiltrate the ranks of his operation and take her revenge.

    LachieM Penpusher
    Added an answer on June 22, 2022 at 12:56 pm

    Hey Sam! I'm sure you've got a clear idea of what this story will be, but the logline is a little vague. What line of business are they in? Who actually is the protagonist/how would you describe her? Why MUST she take revenge and not go to the authorities? It sounds like a very promising idea that IRead more

    Hey Sam!

    I’m sure you’ve got a clear idea of what this story will be, but the logline is a little vague. What line of business are they in? Who actually is the protagonist/how would you describe her? Why MUST she take revenge and not go to the authorities?

    It sounds like a very promising idea that I’m sure you’ll polish up very nicely!

    – Lachie

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