Our Father Who Art In LA
hihello8484Logliner
A 10-year,turned detective,must spoil his father?s every move toward his new teacher and step-mother to-be or see his mother?s marriage destroyed.
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This is very confusing. Should it read a 10 year old? Why is he a detective, was there a crime committed? The father/step-mother/mother part is sort of clumsy, that could use some work.
hello, this is a very funny and clever idea. I see a potential, but as a logline, you focus only about the set up but you should include some kind of “pay off”. In fact, a mother ask her son to spy on his father, he spies, found out the father has an affair/or not – end of the story. In this form there’s no real story.
“when a jelous mother asks her 10 years old geek son to spy on his father, _____” then what happens ?
Wow!Thanks for the idea.
This could be a great family movie. Where?s the popcorn?!
Agreed with mmean the logline is confusing and poorly worded.
The average executive/producer will be over worked and rushed when reading your logline. As such the logline needs to be crystal clear and the plot instantly understood on first read, this is not the case from the above.
Equally if you are still structuring the plot before writing the script you need just as much clarity to be able to make informed decisions whilst writing.
Lastly the plot is unclear as FFF suggested.
The MC is a 10 year old but is it a boy or girl?
What is his or her flaw?
What makes him or her need to become a detective? What is the inciting incident?
How is the MC’s mother’s marriage connected to the MC’s actions?
What does the MC specifically want to achieve as a goal?
Can a 10 year old do all that, no offence intended to the average 10 year old but should he or she maybe be a little older perhaps 13 instead?
Hope this helps.
Thanks for the feedbacks,bros.
The 10 year old is a boy.He suspects his father is cheating on his mother and turns a detective to gather info on him.When he discovers the woman his father is dating is his new teacher,he spoils every move his father makes to break the relationship and saves his mother?s marriage.
If he is unable to break the relationship,his new teacher will become his step-mother.