Penpusher
Posted: 2016-10-12T04:46:04+10:00 In:

A 19th century jaded farm boy finds an alien ring and is thrown back and forth in time: but on his way back, the boy encounters love, wisdom and, of course, evil time-travelling twins working for a malicious time-crime boss.

A 19th century jaded farm boy finds an alien ring and is thrown back and forth in time: but on his way back, the boy encounters love, wisdom and, of course, evil time-travelling twins working for a malicious time-crime boss.
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    2 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Singularity

      This logline is too long and lacks the necessary structural elements. It may be a good idea for you to read through the Training tab on the top bar for more information about loglines.

      As it is described now, the inciting incident is the boy finding a ring, however this doesn’t logically and directly lead him to seek out a goal.? To that matter, there is no one particular goal described in the logline.
      What is it he MUST do, and what specifically MOTIVATES him to achieve this goal? This information will comprise your dramatic premise, and help you draft a better logline.

      • 0
    2. Best Answer
      Singularity

      I believe the inciting incident would be the lead character becoming captive in time.

      As a result the lead must find a way back to his own timeline as a goal. While it may seem like finding the ring is the inciting incident, the ring is just the plot device. It could have been a magic brooch, discovering HG Wells laboratory or anything.

      How about this attempt:
      —–
      “When he becomes trapped in time, a naive farm boy must discover how to get back to his own timeline, all while evading malicious time-boss who’s after the alien artifact he discovered.”
      —–

      Hope that helped, good luck with this.

      • 0