A bounty hunter and a renegade race against the power-hungry to find an utopia lost in time.
A bounty hunter and a renegade race against the power-hungry to find an utopia lost in time.
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Your rewrites are heading in the right direction but you need to focus the logline on the ‘outer journey’ and only indicate the ‘inner’ one by describing his or her flaw – if you describe the MC as ‘selfish’ or ‘greedy’ it is clear they will have to learn generosity during the course of the story. Therefore there is no reason to write that he or she must learn.
The whole interaction between the bounty hunter and renegade is complicating the story – it’s a subplot that’s been given an ‘A’ plot status. The main conflict in the story will come from the clash between the MC (bounty hunter) and the bad guys/gals, so the sooner you can describe why and how the bounty hunter has to fight them the better.
I’m seeing many similarities between this and the second Mad Max film. The big difference is that in Mad Max the MC is hired by a group of ‘good’ people to fight a bunch of bad guys/gals and deliver them to a utopia in a post-apocalypse world. At the same time, the MC is selfish and will only do it for some form of pay but by the end of it he cares about the good people and helps them regardless.
I wonder if you could do something similar in your story?
What if the MC is hired to deliver a sick child (pardon the cliche…) or [fill the gap – important person that can save the rest of humanity somehow] and by the end of the story he or she figures out that they won’t get paid but decide to finish the job anyhow for the greater good.
For example:
In a post-apocalypse wasteland, a selfish bounty hunter is hired to deliver the engineer of the world’s first cold fusion generator to a utopian oasis, and he must fight gangs of outlaws on their way to save humanity.
Not necessarily your story but it’s an example.
>>An avaricious bounty hunter is forced to learn generosity
Loglines are not about characters arcs, what they must learn — subjective issues.? Loglines are about character action, what they must do — objective issues.
(Although in the course of doing, they must also learn — but that’s for the script as a whole.)
Again, thanks for the clarification.
I would point out that technically a utopia is not place. Rather it’s an ideal society.? Which is why you’ve had me scratching my head trying to figure out what this objective goal/place is.
It seems to me that what you envision is similar to the sacred locations (groves, isles, temples, etc.) in mythology and religion. Where a person could find safety and sustenance, refuge and redemption.
In the “Wizard of Oz” the Emerald City is a utopian society.? But it doesn’t grant wishes.? ?The person who presides over that utopian city does, the Wizard. In “Aladdin”, the lamp is only magical because of what it contains:? a wish granting genie.
My point is it seems to me your wish-granting-whatever needs personification, some anthropomorphic personality whom your protagonist can and must interact with.
>>>I?ve always felt that a magic lamp/well/spring/stone or anything like that feels a bit eh and generic.
Okay.? But tried and true dramatic props are things people can immediately understand and accept.? Also, the fact that these props are so tried and true indicates they are linked to archetypes, images and motifs of the collective human psyche.? ?And as the depth psychologist C.G. Jung said, he who speaks in archetypal imagery speaks — sings with enchantment and power in a chorus of a 1,000 voices.
What archetypal imagery is your “utopia” singing with?
fwiw
If the story begins with your lead killing a corrupt noble. That should be in the logline.
Why does the wish-granting have to be a utopia?? If it grants wishes, why not choose a prop?? Like a magic lamp, a magic well or spring or sword or ring or precious stone.? It could be hidden away in a remote, hard to reach location, of course.??
The problem with “utopia” is that no particular visual comes to mind.? Film is a visual medium.? And every critical element of a logline should evoke an image.? It doesn’t have to be exactly the visual you have in mind but it should evoke an image in the mind’s eye of the reader to grab and hold their attention.? ?So what’s the visual on the objective goal of “utopia”?
No image comes to my mind.
And until your last comment, I had no clue to indicate that this utopia grants wishes,? Yet it’s the defining characteristic of the place; it’s the reason everyone wants to find it.? It’s the organizing conceit of your whole story.
fwiw
Why?
If you do meld the two characters into one, why not cast the bounty hunter as a woman?
Agreed with Foxtrot25 and DPG.
It might help for you to re work this with only one main character – the plot doesn’t seem to need two.
Which of them is the most interesting character for you? Also, which of the two experiences the most significant change as a? result of the story?
Libari:
Thanks for the clarification.
>>> For the renegade, clearing her name and not letting someone take power beforehand and do what they like, which would tarnish her motivation. For the bounty hunter; his motive eventually changes from riches to needing companionship above all else.
That describes WHY they pursue the objective goal–their motivations.? But the inciting incident, the call to action, is about the WHAT, not the why.? The call to action is a specific event (external to the characters) that sets up the plot, that causes them to pursue the objective goal of the plot
For example,? in the? movie “Wonder Woman”, the inciting incident that triggers all the action? of the plot is the British pilot crashing onto the island where the Amazons reside.
What is the specific event that upsets their status quo, pivots their lives in a new direction and causes them to pursue the objective goal.?
Why do the Bad guys/gals want to find this utopia?? What’s in it for them?? What’s the payoff?? What do they intend to do if they find it first?
And what are the personal stakes for the duo if they fail?? What’s their motive?? ? They are rogue characters; it doesn’t seem to make sense that they are doing out of altruism, out the goodness of their hearts.? Not initially, anyway.
And what is the inciting incident that gets the bounty hunter and renegade involved, interested in and committed to doing whatever they have to do?? IOW: the call to action.
Kinda vague as to what this utopia and the relation to lost in time within this story struggle means. Power hungry can mean anyone, really. Can you specify more where this heroes journey leads us?