title could be “rock Or roll”
*as in rock the band or be rolling in the grave..”
so he owes money to all the wrong people,and he has to make this band work or risk life
variableUberwriter
a broke man falls back to his “college dream band” only to realize his record producer is the mafia he is running from
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This logline really only sets up the Inciting Incident.
So rather than promising a 100 minute movie, it gives us the first 15 minutes.
A logline needs to hold the promise of a full-length film.
To fix this, you need to answer the question DPG asks above: “What MUST he do”.
I am not sure a man on the run from the mafia would start an endeavor?that puts him on a stage and in front of crowds of people. Most people on the run from the mob keep a low profile.
However, up until the part about the mob, I was actually enjoying the idea.
If the? protagonist realizes his producer is his mafia/load shark nemesis, how come the nemesis doesn’t realize who the protagonist is, a victim who owes him money?
And what what MUST he do (objective goal) when he discovers the producer’s ID?? Or ELSE — what are the stakes if he fails? (His life, no less I should think.)
Of all endevours he could have pursued to securely make money, and fast, he chose PLAYING IN A BAND?!!
Otherwise, what was the specific event (inciting incident) that starts the story and what specifically is his goal?
A logline is used to describe a plot and a plot needs a main character (preferably flawed), a start (inciting incident), a middle (main action) and end (goal). This logline has only 1.5 of the 4 crucial elements (“…broke man…” is not a flawed character).
It seems as though you could benefit from reading up about loglines, check out the ‘Formula‘ tab on the top bar for more information.