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Ed VassiePenpusher
Posted: August 5, 20152015-08-05T16:03:11+10:00 2015-08-05T16:03:11+10:00In: Public

A bus driver trying to get home for his daughter's birthday is confronted with his sinister past when a sadistic passenger with a score to settle refuses to get off at the last stop.

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    3 Reviews

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    1. FFF Mentor
      2015-08-05T17:58:48+10:00Added an answer on August 5, 2015 at 5:58 pm

      Hello, this is a good start, but doesn’t tell anything about the real story. try to avoi sentences like ” is confronted with his sinister past” because that doesn’t mean anything: in a good logline you should always be very specific.

      “When a sadistic passenger _______does x_________, a bus driver must ____does y_____, if he wants to get home for his daughter’s birthday”.

      I think that the fact that the passenger refuses to get off is not strong enough as inciting event. What actually DOES the passanger? What does he WANT?

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    2. mrliteral Samurai
      2015-08-06T09:20:17+10:00Added an answer on August 6, 2015 at 9:20 am

      Yeah, we’re not getting much of a sense of conflict here due to the vagueness of the ideas presented, and also, so what if the guy won’t get out? Drive back to the garage and let him sit there. Unless he takes the bus or bus driver hostage, there’s no major issue — and if he DOES create a hostage situation, you should be mentioning that.

      I also recommend starting the logline as you did, with the protagonist, then state his goal and the obstacle. A lot of people do the form as in the example above — When this happens, this person must do this — but I feel it’s always stronger to make clear the main character up front, then try to mention the other pertinent plot points without a comma. More like “This guy must do this when another person stops him from doing that.”

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    3. Ed Vassie Penpusher
      2015-08-06T16:27:54+10:00Added an answer on August 6, 2015 at 4:27 pm

      Thank you both for you’re comments. I’m redrafting as a result. Very helpful. It’s so hard balancing too much detail and not enough. Forever re-writing!

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