Crime / Drama / Thriller
Billy14Samurai
A by the book detective puts his career in jeopardy when he allows an unorthodox priest to punish a recently apprehended serial killer. (23)
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A priest — who is supposed to be celibate — has 2 daughters???
And it is not in the job definition of a priest to execute revenge on God’s behalf. ?Never has been. ?In the bad ol’ days of the Dark Ages, the church pronounced sentence on spiritual matters, but it left the execution of the sentence up to temporal authorities.
Also, on the merely mundane level, ?the story sets up the situation for then detective then passes the baton, the action of the plot, to the priest. ?Who is the protagonist here? ?Who owns the plot? Who will carry the baton across the finish line to the FADE OUT: ?
“…God’s law…” – is archaic and makes the MC sound insane and out of touch – very hard to get an audience on his side. Perhaps the priest needs to know that the murderer will kill again and has already selected his target the priests daughter, son, fill the gap stakes person. This way the priest’s actions can be excused as he has to kill in order to save many other lives.
When his twin daughters are murdered and man’s law fails, a priest must find the murderer before the police do to exact his revenge according to God’s Law. (28)
The latest draft of the logline lacks a description of the motivation for the MC to take action. If he is by the book, he wouldn’t do that, so, he isn’t by the book. Perhaps make it so the murderer killed his wife or child, this way we can understand why the MC is doing the wrong thing for the right reason.
When a murderer is released on a technicality, ?a by-the-book detective must employ the help of his estranged father, an unorthodox priest, to reform the murderer before he can kill again. ?(33)
Richiev, you are already helping me so much. I will rework according to your above post.
Give me 30mins.
I would help if you personalize the story, after all, if the detective is ‘by the book” why would he allow the serial killer to be punished?
However we could understand the detectives motivation better if the serial killer killed someone close to the detective.
Now we would understand why the change in character of the lead from ‘by the book’ to ‘vigilante cop’
When he allows an unorthodox priest to punish a recently apprehended serial killer, a by the book detective must… (Do this thing) if he is to (Avoid this thing)
Please keep revisions of one concept to the same post, at least until it is off the first or second page.
This version still only sets up a situation. What goal does the protagonist have? At the climax, what will the protagonist fail, or succeed at? And what is the inciting incident which makes him pursue this goal?
I suggest studying the Formula tab at the top of the page and to look at the feedback you’ve already received. Also look at other people’s posts, see the feedback they’ve received and study other loglines.