A cash strapped hit-woman, must confront the demons of her past, while juggling the bone crunching world of professional hits and the guardianship of her deceased sisters kids.
DoubleXXLogliner
A cash strapped hit-woman, must confront the demons of her past, while juggling the bone crunching world of professional hits and the guardianship of her deceased sisters kids.
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“Demons of her past” is a cliche. It’s a vague trope that can mean anything and everything. ?The past problem haunting her in the present needs to be spelled out.
And it must trigger a specific objective goal in the future to resolve the problem from the past. (A logline is a summary of a plot. A plot is a goal-oriented narrative arranged in a causal sequence of events. ?No goal, no plot. No plot, no effective logline.)
So what is her objective goal? ?What are the stakes? ?What does she stand to suffer and/or lose if she fails to achieve that goal?
It is not clear from your logline if the lead was a hit-woman before these events, or the events causes her to become a hit-woman.
In other words is this like the show Weeds, where an ordinary woman who is strapped for cash turns to an Illegal activity?
Or is a story about a Hit-Woman whose life it turned upside down when her sister dies and she must assume custody of the Children?
Just curious because that will affect how the logline is written.
As for dpg’s comments, I agree with him completely. I believe the obvious goal for the Hit-Woman character would be for her to discover who killed (Or caused to die) her sister and take them out. (All the while fixing school lunches and attending PTA meetings)
Agreed with the above comments.
All I can add is that the MC’s description could be better, what flaw could she have? What is her journey to become a better version of herself?
Hey, Thank you for all your comments, much appreciated.
A lot of good suggestions and points. I’m going to rewrite and re-post. Cheers.
yeah the first thing that stuck out was the cliche’ yet the concept was good, change it and I’ll give you another shot
Hmm this sounds vaguely like Die Hard with a Diaper or Misadventures in Babysitting . I did lear something on Stack Exchange though about cliches:
Writers often indulge a charming fantasy that publisher and agents are looking for originality. They are not. They are looking for works that fit into a well established sales channel and that habitual readers of a genre can quickly identify as the kind of book they like to read. Pretty much the worst thing you can do in a query letter is indulge in any kind or originality. This is about sales, and sales is all about established and reliable taste.
clich? s are not as bad as they may seem. I used ‘cat and mouse’ and was excoriated for its use but this reviewer I trust pointed out the obvious:
“Cat and mouse game” is an idiom that seems to show up pretty frequently in the description of published thrillers. So that’s a good sign that it works to sell books. Avid readers, the kind that keep publishers and agents in peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, are always looking for another fix of the same drug. They want the same, only different. But not so different that it is no longer the same. Sameness is not a vice, it is a virtue.
So according to him don’t worry too much about using a recognizable idiom as long as it has a proven track record of selling books
http://writers.stackexchange.com/questions/27336/are-idioms-in-query-letters-a-bad-idea/27339?noredirect=1#comment40323_27339
Writers are caught in a double-bind between text and subtext. ?The text is “We want something like ‘Star Wars’ or ‘Die Hard’.” ?The subtext is: “Only different.”
Hey,I have posted the updated Logline here -?goo.gl/6wZuwg
Thanks