Penpusher
Posted: 2018-06-20T19:19:30+10:00 In:

A cheating husband leaves a meeting from his mistress with a nasty hickey, and him trying to cover it up before his wife gets home becomes a real pain in the neck.

A cheating husband leaves a meeting from his mistress with a nasty hickey, and him trying to cover it up before his wife gets home becomes a real pain in the neck.
Share

    Post a review

    You must login to add an answer.

    To see everything,

    6 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      This sounds like a comedy short, not a horror feature, because it takes five minutes to cover it with makeup and you put a pun in there.

      • 0
    2. Penpusher

      I just fixed it.? Now it reads: ?A cheating husband does something gruesome to himself before his wife gets home to cover up the evidence of the affair he just had.

      • 0
    3. Singularity

      What makes this a horror film?

      • 0
    4. Singularity

      “When his mistress gives him a hickey, a cheating husband has two hours to hide it before his wife gets home.”

      (This does seem like kind of a thin premise for a film, is it really that hard to put on a turtleneck sweater?)

      • 0
    5. Uberwriter

      The ?real pain in the neck? is ambiguous. Try to think in filmic terms. How would you film that.

      It currently reads like a comedy.

      • 0
    6. Singularity

      I get that this is probably going to be a vampire film but the “real pain in the neck” doesn’t add anything to the logline. A logline isn’t designed to encourage audiences to see the film the way that a tagline is (“Cheating is a real pain in the neck”) – it’s supposed to give a clear summary of the film in?one sentence that makes someone want to read your screenplay – inciting incident, goal, stakes.

      Inciting incident – the hickey – that’s there but if his mistress is actually a vampire then maybe that needs to be included here so the reader knows what sort of film they’re looking at. Something that’s potentially a large part of the film shouldn’t be subtle or require guesswork in the logline.

      Is his goal to keep his affair a secret? If so how does the vampire thing fit in? If his goal is not to turn into a vampire then how does his wife fit in. What happens if his wife finds out? What are the stakes?

      I think the vampire element needs to be clarified as that’s the bit that is unclear and makes this logline a bit confusing. Once that thread is ironed out I think you’ve got an interesting logline.

      Hope this helps.

      • 0