A civil war tears a family of gods apart causing banishment to their child who is sent to earth to learn to control her powers with the help of a young story writer who one day helps her defeat her corrupt sister.
Alan SmitheePenpusher
A civil war tears a family of gods apart causing banishment to their child who is sent to earth to learn to control her powers with the help of a young story writer who one day helps her defeat her corrupt sister.
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Way too complicated; the plot line juggles too many balls for a reader to make sense of. ?I suggest reviewing logline guidelines under the “Training” option at the top of the web page to distill the logline down its essential elements.
This is sort of like the movie ‘Thor’ except with two battling sisters instead of two battling brothers
My first question is, who is the lead character? From the way the logline is written it could be the ‘child’ or it could be the ‘story writer’
I would choose one or the other for the focus of the logline.
Hope that helped
Agreed with the comments above.
In addition though, the backstory of a civil war sounds unrelated to the plot, perhaps jump to the child being banished to Earth and use that as the inciting incident.
Secondly the connection between the child needing to learn control over her powers and the writer seems tenuous and raises more questions than it answers. Why must she learn this way? Why a writer? How will a writer provide her with the necessary experiences to learn? etc…
For the next draft of this logline, I think it would be beneficial to consider the causation of what happens to the child and and how?it motivates her to need to achieve her goal.
As ?noted by Richiev, it?reads too much like a knockoff of the “Thor” brand/franchise. ? I’m all for more super-hero movies with female leads, but ?other than the fact that the principals are women, ?what makes it ?a fresh, unique story, different from “Thor”?