The Conformist Agenda
ChristopherPenpusher
A college student must defeat a secret fraternity of bodysnatchers who want her body to host their ancient founder.
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You need to make a connection between the inciting incident (the protag’s father’s murder) and the throughline of the story. As it stands, it’s unclear what her father’s death (and her subsequent grief) has to do with the story. If they’re not connected, you should replace the opening phrase with a more directly correlated inciting incident.
You might also be able to replace “young college” with better descriptive adjectives for your protag, preferably something that shows a flaw in her character that makes her task of exposing the secret fraternity more difficult (her grief over the loss of her father seems a bit weak/vague of an obstacle).
It might also help to allude to the motivation behind the antagonist’s goal. Why is this fraternity after the protag? Are they trying to kill her and/or others (claim her body), and if so, why?
Hope this helps
You need to make a connection between the inciting incident (the protag’s father’s murder) and the throughline of the story. As it stands, it’s unclear what her father’s death (and her subsequent grief) has to do with the story. If they’re not connected, you should replace the opening phrase with a more directly correlated inciting incident.
You might also be able to replace “young college” with better descriptive adjectives for your protag, preferably something that shows a flaw in her character that makes her task of exposing the secret fraternity more difficult (her grief over the loss of her father seems a bit weak/vague of an obstacle).
It might also help to allude to the motivation behind the antagonist’s goal. Why is this fraternity after the protag? Are they trying to kill her and/or others (claim her body), and if so, why?
Hope this helps
Not sure who the student is grieving for as it is not specified in the logline. This makes the connection between her grief, antagonist and action she takes vague.
With no clear inciting incident it is hard to specify when and how the story starts this combined with vague descriptions of actions and character make it very hard for me to visualize a story from the logline.
The logline specifies that the MC “…must expose a secret…” but what does expose mean? In the news paper? On a blog? On the local news? To the police? there are too many options that expose could relate to.
When the logline specifies that the antagonist “…desperately needs to feed of her sorrow…”, there are too many ways that could be visualized so it doesn’t give a clear image of the specific character. As such it is hard for me to specify the an image of what this specific antagonist is like and how the MC will fight them.
Hope this helps.
Not sure who the student is grieving for as it is not specified in the logline. This makes the connection between her grief, antagonist and action she takes vague.
With no clear inciting incident it is hard to specify when and how the story starts this combined with vague descriptions of actions and character make it very hard for me to visualize a story from the logline.
The logline specifies that the MC “…must expose a secret…” but what does expose mean? In the news paper? On a blog? On the local news? To the police? there are too many options that expose could relate to.
When the logline specifies that the antagonist “…desperately needs to feed of her sorrow…”, there are too many ways that could be visualized so it doesn’t give a clear image of the specific character. As such it is hard for me to specify the an image of what this specific antagonist is like and how the MC will fight them.
Hope this helps.