Logliner
Posted: 2017-05-10T05:27:28+10:00 In:

A desperate, talented rocker strikes a deal with someone worse than the devil: her father, in a last effort attempt to keep her rock star dreams alive.

A desperate, talented rocker strikes a deal with someone worse than the devil: her father, in a last effort attempt to keep her rock star dreams alive.
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    5 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Is there a catch to the deal? Does she have to let her father travel on the road with her? Does her father get to control her song list? Is her father now her manager? What is it about the deal that will cause the conflict?

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    2. Uberwriter

      How is her father worse than the devil? Is this known to the reader somehow? If she is talented, then her hard work should pay off eventually on its own, why is this evil father important to her story and how is he the obstacle?

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    3. Logliner

      Great comments. I’ve rewritten this logline so many times, my head’s about?to explode.?? Here?are two alternative versions for your consideration. (Plenty more where these came from, LOL.)

      To fund her band’s last chance for a tour, a desperate, talented rocker agrees to return to her nearly bankrupt hometown to?revive her estranged father’s once famous?Christmas ?show, but the show’s success means failure for a developer with more than just money at stake.

      Born to Broadway royalty,? a triple threat performer-turned-rocker, desperate to fund her band’s last chance for?a tour, agrees to revive her estranged?father’s once famous Christmas show, but the show’s ?success?will ruin the plans of a developer with more than just money at stake.

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    4. Singularity

      Agree with the others. ?The hook of the story might be in what the deal with the devil is. ?But we can only guess that the substance of that deal ?is. ?We shouldn’t have to guess. ?A hook only works when it’s clearly dangled out there as a inducement to read the script.

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    5. Singularity

      What Foxtrot25 said. ? I don’t see see how her success or failure is contingent on her father.?

      And it shouldn’t be. ?A protagonist should be a proactive character which means her success is contingent on her own efforts and talents — not on the someone else’s.

      If she’s got the talent, it may take a while longer and more effort, but she should be able to make it on her own. ?Cream rises to the top. ?That’s the way the “a star is born” trope works: every possible and setback is thrown in the character’s way — not conveniently removed– and she succeeds in spite of them. ?

      We admire and root for characters who take bold risks in pursuit of their Biggest Dream. ?Characters who compromise on their Biggest Dream and cut deals with the devil — not so much.

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