A SHOT AT FAITH
carllordLogliner
A devout college athlete, raised under an assumed identity, must defy his felonious mother to uncover the truth about his missing dad.
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The plot in this logline seams to lack a starting point, what is the inciting incident? Why must the athlete need to find the truth now?
I don’t understand what is at stake here if his mother is a bad person and he is in college he is old enough to do what he wants and has no reason to comply with the evil mother.
Lastly the goal is vague what does “…uncover the truth?” mean? Is the father a criminal and he wants to track him down as an act of revenge and have him arrested? Or is the father a genius that invented a car that runs on water and was kidnapped by oil companies? Or was the dad a secret agent that fell captive behind enemy lines?
Lastly the main character description is disjointed as there are 3 different descriptions: a devout person ,a college student and an athlete these don’t compound each other to describe a compelling character flaw that will present an obstacle for him to overcome. But equally these don’t describe a characteristic that will be a strength he will employ to achieve his goal.
What type of character would the main character need to be in order to need to go on this journey and learn to be a better person? What skills does he possess that will aid him in his action to achieve the outer journey goal?
Hope this helps.
The defining characteristic of the main character “devout” teases me with a clue as to what might be at stake for him — his faith, his fidelity to his religious convictions. How can one keep the 5th commandment, “Honor thy father and thy mother” when both of them seem to be such awful parents?
But these days, when most parents no longer enjoy the status they had in times past, such stakes may not be compelling enough for contemporary, to wit secular, audiences. Or even comprehensible since pop culture exalts rebellion of parental authority as a given norm, yeah, a necessary rite of passage to adulthood.
There is a logline here somewhere, you’ve had quite a few attempts, you just haven’t hit it yet.
How about this:
Inciting incident: When he discovers his mother abducted him as a child
lead character: A superstar college basketball player
What must he do: Hit’s the road to discover who his true parents are
What are the stakes (I am not sure so I am guessing here: but only has 48 hours before the tip off of the national championship and a chance at an NBA career.
If there are other key points you should add or exchange with what I wrote and try them out.
hope that helped!
Agreed with DPG I think the hint at the conflict between his religious beliefs and his true feeling about his parents will be lost on most people and offers little contribution to the degree of interest in the story.
Better logline?
Abducted as a small child, a college hoop star must endure a season of unexpected obstacles when he sets out to find his long-lost dad.
The latest draft of the logline is much more concise and easier to understand but the elements in it are still too vague.
“…unexpected obstacles ?” these need to be specific for a reader to want to know how the MC will over come them to create intrigue and help with structuring the plot.
What makes the MC go on his journey external and internal? What is the inciting incident? Why must he set out to find the father now?
Lastly the stakes are unclear still, why must he find his long lost dad? What is so bad that will happen if he doesn’t?