A disgraced golf prodigy, scratching out a living hustling lessons, fights for the comeback of a lifetime to prove to his son, a gifted guitarist, that he is not a failure, and to keep his fractured family together.
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A disgraced golf prodigy, scratching out a living hustling lessons, fights for the comeback of a lifetime to prove to his son, a gifted guitarist, that he is not a failure, and to keep his fractured family together.
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In the backstory, the dad promises the mom on her death bed that he will always put his son first.
Then, comes the inciting incident.
A decade later, desperate to keep his smothered teenaged son, a gifted guitarist, from leaving him, father and son make a deal: the father will try for the comeback of a lifetime if the son agrees to be his caddy for the summer,
Wait a minute. ?Isn’t this breaking his vow to always put his son first? ?Also, what’s so wrong with the son wanting to leave home? ?Isn’t that what children are supposed to do, grow up, get their wings and fly off from the nest? ?And isn’t that what parents are supposed to do, not only let them fly away, but prepare them to do so?
A movie audience can only buy into the action, the plot, if they also buy into the motivation intrinsic in the inciting incident. ?And I’m having trouble with the motivation. ?The father seems to be breaking his vow, holding his gifted son back ?from his own future for purely selfish reasons.. ?And what’s in it for the son that he would agree to postpone his future in order to satisfy his father’s own narcissistic cause?
As I understand the concept, I can’t buy into, can’t accept the father’s motivation — it’s not a reason for me to root for him. ?Rather, it’s a reason for me to root against the father. ?He wants to recapture his past even if it means manipulating his son into renouncing his future.
Who’s the target audience for this story? ?Are young adults going to want to watch a movie about a father who’s holding back, “smoothering”, ?his son? ?Are parents going to accept the father’s me-first , son-second attitude?
Please, oh please tell me that you aren’t flash forwarding a decade later in a golf drama? A tragic mistake? How about an unavoidable mistake to keep us rooting for the protagonist? Sorry, but if the tragic mistake is his inciting incident, you must work that somehow.
So, what you need to do is be sure to include this antagonist former agent, that’s out to not only ruin him but keep him ruined. But why? I hope you adequately deal with that in your story.
This almost sounds as though it should be told through the eyes of the son, who puts his successful life on hold to help his squandering father out by becoming his caddy for the summer. Now, you draw his son into an unfamiliar world that he must exist in. And seeing him rise back to glory with his son at his side can be a Rocky moment, perhaps.
After the death of his mother, a son puts his successful music career on hold to work as his father’s caddy during his improbable comeback only to find that his former agent opposes their efforts.
Best I got 🙂
Aren’t there any sycophants in the house? LOL, great feedback. I have gone round and round on this logline. Here’s another version for your consideration. It’s too long but gives more explanation of what the story’s about.? Help!
After a tragic mistake, a golf prodigy is?blacklisted by a powerful sports agent.? Honoring the deathbed promise to his late wife, he vows to always put their son first and resigns himself to hustling lessons at a second rate club.?A?decade later, desperate to keep his smothered teenaged son, a gifted guitarist, from leaving him,?father and son make a deal:??the father will try for the comeback of a lifetime if the son agrees to be his caddy for the summer,? but his successful comeback ?is something his former agent, now the?worldwide leader in sports equipment, cannot allow.
Take a step back and look at the many issues you present to the reader here. It reads like a chain of events with little flow.
So we got a ?golf prodigy who is somehow disgraced. How does that happen? He caught sleeping with his ?underage caddy or something? He now gives golf lessons. Is that so disgraceful?
Comeback of a lifetime? In golf? How intense is that for an audience? You must elaborate on that more.
Now he has this gifted guitarist of a son that he must prove himself to? This guy has tons of great things going for him in his life, how is that so life altering or challenging?
Oh, by the way, his family is fractured.
Sorry to sound condescending, but just shouting a list of pseudo problems does not make a story that an audience would want to get behind behind and root for. It sounds more like life.
What event sets the golf prodigy’s comeback in motion? I am assuming it has to do with the son.