A drifter finds some stability in his life when he is granted a job as a bartender for Tokyo’s premiere hotel, the Tengen. When a childhood friend is murdered within the alleys of the hotel, the drifter learns that the glitz and glamor of the Tengen is a front for a prominent yakuza organization. Now entwined in the conspiracy, he finds his delicate existence threatened as he is unceremoniously thrust into the criminal underworld of Tokyo.

A logline should be, ideally, 25-35 words. We don’t need to know the name of the hotel, we don’t need anywhere near as much detail to still understand the basic premise for the film.

Random thought – if he’s a drifter, isn’t it a bit coincidental that his childhood friend is murdered right where he’s suddenly started working. He clearly hasn’t drifted too far from home… why does he have to be a drifter? It doesn’t seem to have any bearing on the story.

What’s his goal? There’s a lot of words in this logline but none of it actually tells us what he’s trying to do. Uncover the yakuza? Stay alive? What’s his goal?

The inciting incident is a bit weak. He’s simply finding out that his friend died in the alleys of the hotel…. why can’t he witness the murder? What better way to get him in up to his neck in the conspiracy that to drop him right in. If he just finds out in passing, the yakuza aren’t aware of his presence. For his existence to be threatened and for him to become entwined in it, surely he has to see it first hand?

The idea of a Tokyo noir film is great! Trim this down, find a goal, and tie it all together and I think you’ll have something here!