Penpusher
Posted: 2020-12-16T11:51:51+10:00 In:

A driven mum must rise above her own insecurities to prove her inter-racially adopted daughter loves her.

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    6 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      So not to lose her daughter.

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    2. Penpusher

      Thank you Mike for your really insightful review. With the way you perceived it, I can see how it doesn’t tell my story at all. I’m seriously struggling with the hero’s desire.
      I was going along the desire line of Jane Eyre – to find love, but in this case, the love of a child.
      The mum’s ghost is that her parents were disappointed in every major decision she made and after having her own family, she’s turned out the same. Her teenage adopted child rebels but it isn’t because she’s adopted, it’s because the mum is disappointed in the decisions the daughter makes.
      But I like your “5 day road trip” or similar idea. This gives a desire line.

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    3. Singularity

      Why?

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    4. Singularity

      Is the idea that the mother is insecure and goes about planning ways to try and make the daughter do things or say things that provide that proof? If so, I worry that she’ll be a difficult protagonist to get behind because I see her as being incredibly manipulative. That might not be the case, merely my interpretation, but I’d be conscious of it. Also, in order to achieve her objective goal (proof that her daughter loves her) she is not rising above her insecurities – she’s playing right to them. The only way to rise above these insecurities is to stop looking for proof.

      In terms of the logline, there’s nothing here that makes me think telling us her daughter is interracial is relevant. I always think a logline shouldn’t describe characters in a way that is unrelated to the rest of the story. If you describe a character as black, I’ll think there’s a race issue and I expect some thematic elements linking through the logline. If you describe her as a woman, I’ll think there’s something specifically and thematically relating to gender in the story. You’ve described her as a “mum” and actually, we can infer that information by the word daughter. Is there another word that gives us more character info specifically related to the plot or the theme? I would tempted to describe her as an “emotionally insecure XXXX” with the XXXX being her profession – and the profession is something like an executive – it suggests that drive. Now we have a character who is clearly smart, professionally confident and used to being in control, but emotionally insecure. She thinks she can use her “professional brain” to fix the problem.

      This leads me to the goal. I think it should be something more objective and more visual. It’s almost an internal goal, that proof is felt, and whilst it can be seen on screen, a lot of it is happening inside the character’s heads.

      “An emotionally insecure Executive struggles to bond with her newly adopted teenage daughter as they tackle a five-day road-trip to see the girl’s favourite band.”

      Hope this helps in some way.

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