A dynamic young woman (witness and rescuer) and a reporter of the National Geographic (safe passenger) meet on the scene of a train crash. Over the course of seven days, while the disaster consequences fade and despite the increasing hostility of her father, they grow closer up to a bond; then a lasting union while her father will be won over under pressure from her maid and confidante.

Is it better like that ?

A dynamic young woman (witness and rescuer) and a reporter of the National Geographic (safe passenger) meet on the scene of a train crash. Over the course of seven days, as the disaster consequences fade, they grow closer up to a bond then a lasting union while her maid and confidante struggles to overcome the increasing hostility of her father.

Thanks dpg,

You’re right again. The best is less than 250 characters.and 50 words

What do you think about this please ?

“A dynamic young rescuer woman meets a world known reporter on a train crash scene. Next days, as the disaster issue fades, they grow closer up to a bond then a lasting union while her maid struggles to overcome the increasing hostility of her father”

(249 characters, 45 words)

And about this please ?

“Due to a train crash, Alice and Phil meet and fall in love; Benjamin discourages them, Zelda encourages: three people challenge each other resulting in new lives for all of them with the help of the fourth”

(205 characters, 37 words)

Thanks Tony Edward,
Your answer worth at least $10! 😉

– This is the reply to an old question of a precedent post
– I didn?t see the confusion of kinship in the last versions

Does not resolve my problem:

If it is too long, we don’t feel like reading it, if it is too short, we don’t feel like reading the rest.
This is exactly like the replies when we read all these posts too fast:
– When it’s more than twenty lines, we go to the next without reading it,
– when it’s one line, we understand nothing without having read the foregoing

My English is not good enough to tell with 30 words what I am able to tell with 70.

The first version (68 words, top of the post) gives what you suggest but it is too long:
– Who the players are, their sex, age, role in society and relationship, the dramatic context and its evolution, the conflict and its resolution.

The second (60 words) is better: give the same but not the conflict resolution , but it is too long and there is a kinship confusion (not too hard to solve)

The last (37 words) give the dramatic context, four intriguing names and their basic relationship, and the main point of the story.
But it is too long, and the reader?s reaction is confusion and reject.

This is a challenge I?m not able to win now. With less of 30 words, I can just tell:
This is an original love story between two people, a third don?t likes this, a fourth likes this and helps the lovers?
(22 words but not terrific isn’t it ?) 🙁
It would be funnier if it were a love story between three or four people and their jealous pets…

I need to work more! 😉

Hi Tony,
Hi dpg,
Hi RichieV,

Back to basics, a saying with 30 words:

“After she met the man of her life, a young dynamic orphan woman struggle to overcome the tyranny of her domineering widower father with the help of her substitute mother”

The same with 27 words to please Allen Palmer:

“After she met the man of her life, a young woman struggle to overcome the tyranny of her domineering father with the help of her substitute mother”

Thank you very much Guys,

It seems that I hold the right track

I cannot put any stepmother in my story because the real mother of Alice is also a major character of this story as she is well living in the hearts of Alice, her father Benjamin and Zelda, and as she is the spirit of this home.

Here is a part of a dialogue between Alice and Phil. It explains why Zelda is also a major character of this story:

—

“EXT. COUNTRYSIDE DAY
Alice and Phil on foot, each holding his own horse, in front of a gravestone on which is written ALINE ASHTON-ROS. Alice places a flower on the grave.

PHIL
Aline is not a common first name.

ALICE
Mom was French. She came to the States to complete her English degree. She never left.

Pause…

ALICE
Mom died when I was nine. I saw her suffering for three years, when I began to understand what suffering is. Zelda arrived at that time.
She took care of Mom until her death. She pampered and cherished her until the last day. Dad was lost. He just didn?t know what to do…
This is the time when I lost faith.
Anyway, it had never been something really solid. It was a faith I had been taught, with its stories and rituals, lots of funny things for a curious little girl…
It could not match this suffering.
I had no theory about the existence or nonexistence of God. However, religious discourse had become unbearable to me.”

—

As I said on an other post, the logline is the last thing I write in a screenplay. My story is complete and currently proofread by an american professional translator, and I must give my logline tomorow to two producers.

If I manage to sell it, many things will need to be rewritten to please the producer, the director, …work for 2 years.
… Maybe I’ll can introduce a neighboring owner widow who would appeal to Benjamin and he might marry (his obsession is to marry Alice to a nearby ranch owner to enlarge the property).

This story takes place today, during indian summer, somewhere in the north of the USA between Seattle and Chicago: Montana, North or South Dakota, Minnesota .

I’m cooking an other story for Hollywood. I currently write the treatment. maybe i’ll put a provisional logline on Logline.It in a few days to gather some feedback.