Posted: 2013-08-16T12:05:00+10:00 In:

A dysfunctional dad and his rebellious daughter are forced to join each other in a bike race where they battle the establishment and each other relentlessly.

Kersey

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    5 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      This has a nice ring to it. I guess there are two protagonists? What is the actual goal though? And what is the flaw that needs to be overcome or the lesson/s they have to learn to get the goal?

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    2. Samurai

      I heard someone explain recently that when you’re dealing with a story that has multiple protagonists, your logline should be structured around the character with the biggest change in the story. So, the most compelling character, I guess. I’d recommend re-tooling this logline so that it’s presented as either the father or the daughter’s story.

      In what way is your protagonist forced to take part in a bike race? Who is holding the gun to their head?

      “battling the establishment” is too vague a goal. If you created an antagonist who represented the establishment, this could work better.

      There is no indication of what is at stake.

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    3. Singularity

      I have to agree with Nicholas. Since riding in a bike race and fighting the establishment seem an odd pairing, give us some context.

      Also, what establishment. The bike riding establishment? The establishment he works for? The government?

      Is fighting the establishment the fathers goal or is it connecting with his daughter?

      Finally, I agree, you should tell what event forced father and daughter to ride in the bike race: Give us the inciting incident.

      Hope that helped, good luck with this!

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    4. Singularity

      And what’s at stake? What do they stand to lose if they fail?

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    5. Great comments. Thanks to all. Back to the drawing board.

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