Screenplay is witten. It’s titled Masters of Purgatory
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Concept full of drama but it sounds like a documentary logline rather than a feature. Who’s the main character/protagonist? Even if it’s an ensemble piece, I think you need to be specific about the lead role.
Alcoholism is causing the family to unravel. Who is the alcoholic? Are they all alcoholics? What about the alcoholism is causing them to unravel? Are the parents breaking up? Are the kids drinking and skipping school? Are the kids going to be taken off the parents? So many possibilities and I guess you know the specifics as you’ve already written the screenplay. I think you need to include some those specifics so it’s clear what the main conflict is in the story. For example, is it a conflict within the family, or external against some outside force, like social services?
One more thing. The first half of the logline states that ‘a family living in Hawaii unravels from alcoholism’. I think that this implies that the story will be exposing Hawaii’s underside without you having to include that fact in the logline, giving you room to include other key details.
JBushill is right.
I think the issue with most loglines are that most people are not clear as to what a logline is, how it differs from a tagline, what elements make up a logline, and what the purpose of the logline is, essentially.
I write many articles on loglines, their purpose and their elements, and, unfortunately, most writers fail to study THIS aspect of screenwriting, which, when done correctly, should be completede before you start the screenplay itself as it serves as your “writing compass”.
That being said, their are more elements missing than there are present, so it really needs to start from scratch. If you properly identify your elements, the logline basically writes itself, which is the beauty of it.
Elements are: protag, antag (be specific), inner conflict, outer conflict, goal, stakes, genre, and the all-important “hook”.
Protag- “family”- not specific enough, not colorfully descriptive enough…i.e.: “A tight-knit Mormon family”
Antag- “alcoholism” not specific enough…i.e: “suicidal, alcoholic mother”
Goal- none mentioned…i.e: “starting over in beautiful and tranquil Hawaii”?
Inner conflict- this Mormon family ain’t as tight-knit or “Mormon” as we believe?
Outer conflict- evading the law?
Stakes- risking safety, freedom? divorce? losing kids?
Genre- drama? dark comedy? mystery? crime drama?
Hook- There is a always a dark side- even in Paradise.
Using these elements, many of them completed with made-up ideas, a logline might read as follows:
“A close-knit Mormon family, starting over in the Wit-Pro program, are discovered by a local drug cartel when the alcoholic mother is arrested (pinched) on the seedy side of Honolulu.” Ideally, you want it to be 25 words, if possible, but no more than 30.
I hope this helps everybody who reads it.
Thanks much appreciate it. Is this any better?
A co dependent Dad and an alcoholic Mom are raising 4 children in an affluent Hawaii neighborhood when Mom seeks a restraining order on Dad to pre-empt loosing her children, the TRO is corruptly handled by a City Prosecutor and improperly administered and Dad is faced with a 10 year jail sentence sucked into a morbidly dysfunctional Hawaii penile system.
A co dependent Dad and an alcoholic Mom
Pick one. As an emerging writer, it is hard enough to develop one character’s journey. Who is the real hero?
are raising 4 children in an affluent Hawaii neighborhood
Why is it important to mention Hawaii and that they are affluent? It may be stronger to give us the profession/function of the main character. This will probably imply their socio-economic status.
when Mom seeks a restraining order on Dad to pre-empt loosing her children,
Here it is suggested that dad is the hero as mum proves to be more dysfunctional.
the TRO is corruptly handled by a City Prosecutor and improperly administered and
This is interesting as it shows how dad is unjustfully treated by the authorities. This often makes for powerful drama.
Dad is faced with a 10 year jail sentence sucked into a morbidly dysfunctional Hawaii penile system.
To me, this reads like the actual Inciting Incident. Here is where the story really starts.
How about this:
“When his alcoholic wife puts a restraining order on a Hawaiian [function/profession], he must fight the morbidly dysfunctional penile system and learn to overcome his co-dependence before winning his children back.”
I’m going to assume that “dysfunctional PENILE (penal) system” was meant as a joke. With four kids, there was nothing dysfunctional about his!