Logliner
Posted: 2016-05-24T01:43:29+10:00 In:

A father seeks revenge on the internet troll who might have been responsible for his teenage son’s suicide.

A father seeks revenge on the internet troll who might have been responsible for his teenage son’s suicide.
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    6 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Good re write, however it needs more structural work and trimming:

      “…To exact deadly retaliation?” = kill, no need to beat around the bush with this it’s better to be clear in what he wants to achieve. I also find that killing the troll sounds a bit harsh, perhaps give him a more nobel goal such as preventing further deaths.

      “…finds himself?” = a passive protagonist, no need to describe the mid act 2 reversal just his grand plot objective.

      Here is a refined version:
      After his son commits suicide, ?a grieving father must pose as a teenage girl online in order to?catch the internet troll responsible for his son’s depression and stop him from hurting other children.

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    2. Logliner

      Great feedback all. You guys are fantastic.

      How’s this as a revised logline:To exact deadly retaliation on the cyber bully responsible for his son?s suicide, a father poses a girl on the internet. The father finds himself engaged in a deadly cat-and-mouse game, soon realizing that he was the bully?s target from the get go.

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    3. Singularity

      >>>posses as an 16 year old girl on the internet to entice then trap the cyber bully

      And then what? ?What does the father intend to do after he has entrapped him? ? The posing is a means to ?his objective goal, but it is not his objective goal. ?The objective goal is what he wants to do once he’s entrapped the troll.

      Not that the logline should give away how the story will end. ?It should not reveal whether he succeeds or changes his mind. ?But it should indicate what he wants to do — his objective goal.

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    4. Singularity

      “After his son commits suicide, a distraught father posses as an 16 year old girl on the internet to entice then trap the cyber bully responsible for his son depression.”

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    5. Uberwriter

      Just give an aim and goal and you are alright.

      I’d also remove “might”. ?The troll is the cause from the dad’s pov. ?So how is dad going to get revenge? We might be able to help.

      “A man insert action to punish the internet troll that caused his son’s suicide but hurdle”

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    6. Singularity

      The story is certainly topical. ?The protagonist has a clear motivation. ?And the challenge is difficult enough to create dramatic suspense: ?how do you ID the troll (who operate under AKA’s), let alone locate and confront him face to face?

      What isn’t so clear is how he intends to get revenge. ?Sue him? ?Press criminal charges? ?Or…??IOW: the father’s general objective goal is obvious, but revenge can take so many forms. ?So I think in this instance the logline would benefit by hinting at the form of revenge he seeks to mete out on the troll.

      fwiw

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