A friend house sits a two story cabin alone in the quiet mountains unaware someone else is there watching his every move.

I agree, it needs a bit more of a punch. I like monimata’s suggestion. It’s more of a hook.

Hi Clint,

Third time’s the charm 🙂 I think Lilian’s take is getting you closer but I still think you’re missing an opportunity to punch up the logline. “A friend” is too vague and blah – we want to be intrigued about your protag but we can’t get excited about just a “friend”. Who is this guy (assuming it’s a guy)? What’s his occupation? What’s his flaw? Why are you being coy about who this guy is?

I realize that there’s a B story involving this guys’ friend and his missing son, but since you left it out, I’m making a suggestion just based on a guy alone in a cabin:

An alcoholic writer [insert flaw/occupation] retreats to a quiet mountain cabin, unaware that his every move is being watched by an unknown presence.

Still clunky, and I’m making presumptions about the “unknown presence”, but now I can visualize a movie. I think…:/

I think the term “house sits” reads a bit awkward and not sure if you need to say it’s a two story cabin in the logline… How about: Alone in a quiet mountain cabin, he is unaware of the one who watches his every move.