Posted: 2013-10-16T08:26:35+10:00 In:

A genius kid struggles to create a free energy device and getting the girl he likes, before a ruthless businessman condemns the city to obscurity.

Bright

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    4 Reviews

    1. Nicholas Andrew Halls

      Thanks for the feedback. I was trying to leave it at 25 words but I guess the information goes missing.
      I’m not a native speaker so this may be hard.

      Maybe something like this:

      “During an energy crisis, a genius kid struggles to create a free energy device, but a ruthless businessman tricks him in order to keep his monopoly. Now he must fight against the system, the city and his own inner demons, even if it cost him his life”.

      more resumed:

      “On an energy crisis, a genius kid struggles to achieve cold fusion, but a ruthless CEO tricks him to keep his monopoly. He must fight against the system and his own inner demons, even if it cost him his life”.

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    2. It seems like there’s a lot of randomly tossed together elements here, or at least a lack of focus. For starters, what’s the main driver for the kid… energy drink breakthrough or the girl? Find his flaw and the core of what he wants, and let the rest of the story’s circumstances serve that.

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    3. If you are going to use the “getting the girl” subplot in your logline, it needs to be “get the girl” to be grammatically correct.

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    4. Samurai

      It’s unclear how all these elements connect together.

      How would a businessman condemn a city to obscurity, and how is that objective at odds with your protagonist seeking to create a free energy device?

      Getting the girl is a B-Plot, by the looks of things, and probably doesn’t need to be in the logline.

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