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PortoPM77Penpusher
A grieving girl gets involved in a dangerous investigation, which leads her back to her mother’s homicide.
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The logline needs to be more specific and supply concrete answers to two questions required in an industry acceptable logline. (See “Our Formula“):? What is the inciting incident?? What is the protagonist’s objective goal?
What happens that causes her to get involved in a “dangerous investigation”?? (And what makes the investigation dangerous?)
I’m guessing her objective goal all along is to solve his mother’s murder.? But I shouldn’t? have to guess. The logline needs to clearly inform me.
“When the police pronounce her mother’s death a suicide, a grieving reporter follows a series of clues down an increasingly dark path in order to discover the truth about her mother’s death”
Agree with dpg and RichieV’s version gives me a much better idea as to what’s actually going on.
“girl” – is she 6? or 16? You are reducing the main character to an incredibly broad brush stroke. We can infer that she is young but how young is fundamental to understanding the story. Specificity that is relevant to the story you are trying to tell is key!
You don’t actually specify that the investigation she gets involved in is her mother’s. It might not be however I struggle to see why a “girl” (with no reason to be looking into an investigation from what I can tell) finds herself in this position without personal interest. If you told us that the investigation involved a killer with the same M.O. as in her mother’s case then I would understand it but as it stands there is no connection so I’m forced to guess – and as dpg pointed out – I shouldn’t have to.
Ambiguity is where loglines go to die! Be specific. Make sure we understand exactly what’s going on and why. In under 35 words. Loglines aren’t easy!
Hope this helps.