Penpusher
Posted: 2012-09-11T20:22:29+10:00 In:

A grieving, self-righteous Vigilante must confront a fatal error before burying his hatchet in the killer of his son…

The Executor

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    11 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      or:

      A grieving, self-righteous Vigilante must confront a fatal error if he’s to bury his hatchet in the killer of his son?

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    2. Penpusher

      Or: “A revenge-obsessed Vigilante must accept a tragic error if he’s to bury his hatchet ?in the evil child-killer who tortured and murdered his young son.

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    3. Penpusher

      Too long !

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    4. Man, I’ve been inudated with a hundred different versions of this logline.

      It seems that you are “dancing” around the actual “hook” of the story. The “equalizer”-type story has been done before, but your “hook” (this “fatal, tragic” error you keep hinting at) seems to be the only thing that sparates this from all of those types of stories.

      In a logline, you can’t hold anything back. You really need to at least “imply” what this tragic error might be; presumably he kills the wrong person/people, or something like that? In 1976, Mike Connors made a TV movie with a similar theme and twist, called “Revenge for a Rape”- I’ll never forget it.

      I think the logline issues can be solved by letting us in on the twist. It is what’s going to sell the story. Don’t worry about anyone “stealing ” it, because it’s been though of a thousand times before.

      Good luck!

      Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge

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    5. Penpusher

      Sorry to clog up your inbox! 2 years in, after the 1st draft consultant’s coverage and a producer attached I’m about to start draft 2 and want the logline to be right. Thanks for your notes.

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    6. Penpusher

      The story is:

      A grieving, self-righteous vigilante learns that 5 years ago he killed an undercover agent who’d been close to rescuing his missing son. When he learns his actions contributed to his son’s death he breaks down in remorse which leads the dead agent’s son to reveal to the Vigilante his dad’s secret files – the identity of his son’s killer – so he can finally execute his revenge.

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    7. Penpusher

      This is probably cleaner:

      When he takes on a new recruit a revenge-obsessed vigilante learns that a man he’d killed 5 years ago was an undercover agent close to rescuing his then missing son. When he learns his actions contributed to his son?s death he breaks down in remorse which leads the new recruit to show the Vigilante his dad?s secret files ? including the true identity of his son’s killer ? so he can finally execute his revenge.

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    8. Penpusher

      However, I like this one –

      “A grieving, self-righteous, revenge-obsessed Vigilante must confront a fatal error if he?s to bury his hatchet in the killer of his son?”

      I think it shows the hero’s goal (revenge), his inner need (to ‘bury the hatchet’), his fatal flaw (self-righteousness) and the problem he faces in achieving his goal (a fatal error).

      I also like the way it plays on the metaphor ‘bury the hatchet’ which points to both his murder method and what he has to do metaphorically to move forward in his life.

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    9. Per Geno, you’re still holding back on the hook, which is the father being responsible for his son’s death. And it doesn’t add anything to your logline to pile on the adjectives.

      To me, “bury the hatchet” implies a horror film. Is this a horror story?

      My attempt:

      When a grieving father learns that he was unwittingly responsible for the death of his kidnapped son, he takes matters into his own hands and tracks down his son?s killer.

      Best of luck!

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    10. Penpusher

      Thanks. However, the protag’s a gangster who turned vigilante when his son was killed so he’s been hunting his son’s killer for the last 5 years. It’s the new recruit, the son of one of his victims, who gives him new info which finally leads him to his son’s killer. But the new recruit only decides to give him the info when the gangster-vigilante shows remorse for killing his dad…

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    11. Penpusher

      A self-righteous gangster-vigilante, no closer 5 years later to tracking down his son’s killer, takes on a new recruit who has vital information – but only at a price – he learns that he was responsible for his son’s death…

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