A grieving truck driver has a life affirming conversation with a mysterious stranger over his CB radio
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A grieving truck driver has a life affirming conversation with a mysterious stranger over his CB radio
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Honestly, it sounds great!
“A grieving truck driver has a life affirming conversation with a mysterious stranger over his CB radio. “
That’s it? What’s the conflict? What goal does the truck driver pursue? What’s conflict gets resolved at the climax? It doesn’t matter how short a story is, story is conflict.
Check out the Formula tab at the top of the page for information on creating a standard ?logline. There is also an Examples tab for people who have posted loglines for movies or shows that have already been released.
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>>>the truck driver is not pursuing anything,
The encounter can be random, ?and the nature of the conversation can be ambiguous. But TV is a visual medium and the spine of drama is a character pursuing a concrete goal, struggling to solve a specific problem that can be visualized, not just talked out. ?If there’s no goal, then there is nothing visible?to hook and hold ?an audience’s attention.
The script for a TV show, albeit short, ?should show (visuals), not just tell (dialogue). ? Inner turmoil needs to be manifested in external conflict. What’s the point of using TV if there’s no visual action line, no external conflict? ?If the story is driven entirely by dialogue, then why not write it as a radio script? ?Or as prose, a short story?
Just saying.
I appreciate the feedback but without going into the whole story in detail it’s difficult explain in one sentence. To summarise, although being set mainly in the trucks cab there would be flashbacks which explain the significance of the conversation (to the lorry driver). The conclusion of the story is meant to be left to the viewers personal interpretation. My idea of a logline is that it makes the viewer interested in the story in this case a depressed lorry driver has an enightening conversation with a mysterious stranger and whether or not this makes the reader want to know more ? An example of a similar set up would be the movie Locke starring Tom Hardy which is an unresolved story about a man on a journey dealing with a difficult period of his life in a series of phone calls.
Yes, the movie “Locke” came to mind while reading the logline. ?
In that movie, the protagonist had an urgent construction project deadline (ticking clock) ?objective goal ?which is complicated by the ?imminent by the birth of his child by his ex-lover, and a reckoning?with his wife which his why he is speeding toward London.? Those must’s were the source of ?the story’s external dramatic tension.
Locke has things he MUST urgently do. ?He’s driving because and being driven by crises and deadlines. ?What must your character urgently do while talking on the CB? ?What’s the ongoing crisis and/or that he must reckon with that provides the external dramatic tension in this story?
Granted this is a more subtle message than locke. It is a story of a man who is at his lowest ebb and clearly in need of help (even if he himself is in denial). After an opening call with his daughter it becomes apparent how far he is concealing his struggle. His pain is reduced during an unexpected and deeply personal message, deilivered through a stranger whose identity we never know. It is then left for the audience to decide what actually
happened (is there is an uknown force at work or is all just coincidence). Hopefully the viewer would find it to be an uplifting story (or maybe not – I’ll find out when the short story results are announced)
As I said I can ?buy into the ambiguous nature of the call and ending, but I think the logline would benefit by clearly stating the source of the grief — the why.
I like the idea because it can be shot on a low budget.
However the logline should contain the goal for the lead character and conflict.
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“After his wife dies of cancer, a despondent truck driver travels across the country to commit suicide on his wife’s grave, but his plans are jeopardized when, over the CB, a persistent Lorrie driver determines to save him.”
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Obviously your story will be different but in my example there is an inciting incident; we know why the truck driver is grieving, and we have a goal; the truck driver is determined to kill himself on his wife’s grave… and we have conflict; something standing in the way of the lead character’s goal in the form of the persistent Lorrie driver.
Inner turmoil makes for good reading, but not good viewing.
The example discussed above, Locke, was not a huge hit but found a cult following so it worked well to some degree. The conflict was conveyed as exposition via discussions, and I wage lost a large portion of the audience as a result. However, it is a once off rare anomalous example of brilliant directing and acting that made up for a lack of cinematic story telling. There was also the odd scene out of the car in which Locke’s assistant was forced to take action and save the concrete pour, so arguably even Locke had to give the audience a visual representation of action towards a goal.
Point is, it should not be taken as a good example to model a film after, if anything, it should be seen as a cautionary tale. The all shot in a single vehicle sit down drama has been done and anything else will be seen as a rip off – it’s not an original gimmick anymore.
Aside from the above, regardless the visual and blocking style, you need to give the character a need and an obstacle both of which are currently missing in the logline. What’s the worst that will definitely happen if he doesn’t have a life affirming conversation?? And what motivates him to have the conversation?
I concur with Nir Shelter that “Locke” is something of a one-off.
Further I would argue that ?”Locke” is not necessarily a good example for a newbie, someone trying to break into the business with their 1st sale, to emulate as their entree project, the one they hope will get their foot in the door.
?”Locke” was written and directed by someone who was already well established in the the movie business, who had a track record of produced scripts, an agent, connections ?– advantages a newbie needs for a project like this and doesn’t have. If it had been his first writing effort, I doubt if he could have gotten it made. This is something I think aspiring writers need to evaluate in pointing to this or that movie to justify the kind of story they are writing. ?At what point in the writer’s career, did he get the film that is similar to the one you have in mind, made? ?Was it is his first effort or was it a project he got green lit after he had become established in the industry?
As an aspiring writer myself, a newbie trying to break into the business, I’m leading with what I think is my most marketable idea. ?Not the one nearest and dearest to my arteriosclerotic ?heart. ?(Although I am quite passionate about my lead project — passion is a sin qua non to writing, of course.)?
fwiw