Tranquility
A group of mercenary fugitives pass through a space anomaly and are transported back to what appears to be 19th century Earth, where they are faced with a dilemma: protect a town from ruthless outlaws, knowing their intervention will alter history, or do nothing and allow innocents to be slaughtered.
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Even though this is a group of characters taking the main action in the story I think better to identify a central main character for the story to be around same as they did in Guardians of The Galaxy.
As previously mentioned “…mercenary fugitives…” is a complex character description that raises more unnecessary questions than answers, can you give them a simpler description? i.e: mercenaries, wrongly accused prisoners, etc…
“…back to what appears to be…” are they from Earth in the future or another planet can the logline do without the word “…back..” no need to add “…to what appears to be…” in film things are what they are not what they appear to be. So perhaps better to write transported to 19th century Earth.
As for the logline’s structure and story the story is unclear from the logline.
Passing through the space anomaly (better to specify what type of anomaly; worm hole, black hole, rip in the fabric of space, etc) is the inciting incident but how does the inciting incident bring about their goal of saving the people?
Perhaps their goal is to get back to their own time and in order to achieve this they need the town folks help and the only way the town will help them is if they defeat the outlaws?
Lastly the idea that “…mercenary fugitives…” are aware of a time continuum and would care about it seams far fetched as it stands. They wold have to be a group of scientists and philosophers on the run to be able to raise the issue of altering the course of time and be faced with it as an actual dilemma.
The premise has a lot of interesting elements in it but for the most part they seam unrelated to each other and lack a cause and effect link. This results in a fragmented story coming through the logline. I do think it can be redrafted to read with less words and describe a compelling plot.
Hope this helps.
Even though this is a group of characters taking the main action in the story I think better to identify a central main character for the story to be around same as they did in Guardians of The Galaxy.
As previously mentioned “…mercenary fugitives…” is a complex character description that raises more unnecessary questions than answers, can you give them a simpler description? i.e: mercenaries, wrongly accused prisoners, etc…
“…back to what appears to be…” are they from Earth in the future or another planet can the logline do without the word “…back..” no need to add “…to what appears to be…” in film things are what they are not what they appear to be. So perhaps better to write transported to 19th century Earth.
As for the logline’s structure and story the story is unclear from the logline.
Passing through the space anomaly (better to specify what type of anomaly; worm hole, black hole, rip in the fabric of space, etc) is the inciting incident but how does the inciting incident bring about their goal of saving the people?
Perhaps their goal is to get back to their own time and in order to achieve this they need the town folks help and the only way the town will help them is if they defeat the outlaws?
Lastly the idea that “…mercenary fugitives…” are aware of a time continuum and would care about it seams far fetched as it stands. They wold have to be a group of scientists and philosophers on the run to be able to raise the issue of altering the course of time and be faced with it as an actual dilemma.
The premise has a lot of interesting elements in it but for the most part they seam unrelated to each other and lack a cause and effect link. This results in a fragmented story coming through the logline. I do think it can be redrafted to read with less words and describe a compelling plot.
Hope this helps.
Yep, I am paying for the download as we speak. Reads good, stakes are there if you think about it. Even poses a few questions like how do they travel back in time.
Fugitive and Merc don’t sure if both are needed. But not enough to worry me. You could cut down on travels back and arrives, don’t really need both. Less words always add pace.
Yep, I am paying for the download as we speak. Reads good, stakes are there if you think about it. Even poses a few questions like how do they travel back in time.
Fugitive and Merc don’t sure if both are needed. But not enough to worry me. You could cut down on travels back and arrives, don’t really need both. Less words always add pace.