Penpusher
Posted: 2015-07-07T13:52:47+10:00 In:

A group of nerdy teen boys who are sick of being picked on by the bigger kids and being rejected by the hot girl decide to shoot up the school danc

Uncool kids with guns

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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      ‘A group of,’ isn’t personal. You should single out a main character and then give us a specific event.

      After all if he’s been picked on his entire life, why now? What event changed things.
      —–
      “When the school bully humiliates him in front of his secret crush, a high school loser vows to get revenge at the school dance where his nemesis is to be crowned homecoming king.”
      —–
      So now we have a specific character and a specific even. Your story will be different of course, however your logine should concentrate on a single main character to make it personal.

      Hope that helps, good luck with this!

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    2. Singularity

      Good comments by Richiev.

      I have to add though; is this too close to the bone with recent shootings in America? What I mean is geeks are traditionally comic characters and the first half of the logline reads similar to Revenge of The Nerds. As such I ask; is the subject matter inappropriate for comedy?

      Or is this entirely dramatic? If so the logline failed to communicate this in its initial draft, possibly due to a lack of personalisation and clear stakes.

      Hope this helps.

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    3. Singularity

      As Nir Shelter said. Why would anyone pay money to see a make believe story like this in a theater, when they can see the real thing for free on TV during a newscast?

      • 0