Penpusher
Posted: 2019-04-07T03:46:09+10:00 In:

A group of thieves rob a police station in hope of retrieving sensitive evidence that could potentially end their criminal careers for good.

A group of thieves rob a police station in hope of retrieving sensitive evidence that could potentially end their criminal careers for good.
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    4 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Samurai

      Good start. Next attempt…

      State the protag or main character. Even in a group, one leads the way or has the arc . Offer something to make us like, or relate to, this criminal (not necessarily all of them).

      The logline seems to cover a short period time so clarify what is the bulk of the story. Is Act II about the preparation and then they strike in Act III?

      >> sensitive

      Redundant with the stakes.

      Is there something specific about the evidence that would help with the mental picture or danger?

      >> that could potentially end their criminal careers for good.

      Be specific and certain. This has to mesh with the protag…if we root for him to succeed (so the evidence can’t paint him a terrible light) or witness his failure.

      It may help to add the wider location, a small town or city.

      My two cents.

      • 0
    2. Best Answer
      Singularity

      A group of thieves: this is kind of vague, is there a specific thief with a specific personality.
      Rob a police station: Now this is good. It is specific and has a certain amount of built-in conflict because we know it won’t be easy.
      Sensitive evidence?: What evidence? a surveillance video? A notebook with the plans for their next robbery? A photo of them walking out of the Thieves-are-us store?

      Also, how did the police get this information, what is the inciting incident? Did one of their crew get arrested? How does this story begin? Your logline seems to be missing this important story point.

      Anyway, I think with a few specifics this will be a pretty solid logline and the story seem interesting as well.
      Good luck with this.

      • 0
    3. Best Answer
      Singularity

      Agreed with all the above. Check out the ‘Formula’ tab on the top bar of the web site for more info on logline structure.

      • 0
    4. Best Answer

      My thought is rather than “ending their criminal careers” that’s not a big enough threat.? It’s rather benign,? Punch it up with the real stakes.? What’s the crime?? Murder?? Than the real risk is life behind bars or the needle.? There’s your stakes.? Protagonist, Antagonist, goal.

      • 0