bE a mAn
A gypsy has drugs to pick up in Chicago, while a lesbian ballerina thinks they?re sharing gas across the county to see family, but when she finds out the truth she picks up a rock and throws it at his face. With no money to get them home, and an appointment to keep with a drug dealer the couple decides to finish the job.
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“but when she finds out the truth she picks up a rock and throws it at his face.” this part feels more like it should be in a scene… even a line in a script itself. I can’t see this belonging in the logline.
I like Riley’s little twist, think that could work. The log line is far too long and tells us far too much. It needs to be short and sweet – the rock in the face bit is unneeded as that is an incident within the story not the story itself. It needs to be the main character (possibly the gypsy going for the drugs) is on route to a drug deal but is prevented from doing this and now has to make a choice. This is mainly what the log line needs at the moment it is just too much and more like your telling us the entire story and not the premise that makes us want to engage in it.
I wonder what the relevance of them being a gypsy and a ballerina is. What if, instead of a ballerina, she was a off-duty cop going home to see family, then she is put in this predicament but has to see through the drug deal or the mob will exact revenge on the gypsy. Also not sure about the rock in the face. Anyway, hope that helps.
I second what nicholasandrewwhalls said. He said everything that I was going to say (and more)… and he said it better than I could have.
Hey Jacob – first off, this logline seems convoluted because the reader isn’t sure who your main character is. If in doubt, it’s probably best to go with the character who’s going to have the journey that drives the plot and changes the most as the story progresses, although as you haven’t indicated a flaw in either character it’s hard to be certain which of the two that may be.
Why do they lose all their money?
What is the goal? To pick up drugs in Chicago? What happens if they don’t do it?