Survival Class
A high school's phys ed class's weekend hike through the woods turns into something deadly when classmates start to die
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“A student weekend hike in the woods turns deadly when classmates start to die.”
Even though it’s brutally brief — and I agree thoroughly with dpg’s comment — despite everything, I like this LL. It raises its middle finger at you. It doesn’t give a flip. It dares the reader to ask “How are they dying?” Is this a standard slasher-in-the-woods? Do they die from a contagion? Do random students spontaneously explode and nobody’s safe? (I’m not being silly with that last one: see BURST by Gary Dauberman.)
A swaggering LL like this works only if you’ve got something inventive and exciting to pay off the LL’s bold challenge. By teasing the story instead of defining it your LL says: “This story is so good I don’t even need to hook you.” So, you better have something really good up your sleeve.
A timid geek, must outwit a stealthful killer on a hiking trip to save his classmates.
As Karel Segers points out under the “Write It” topic in the upper right hand corner of the banner for the web site, a logline should ideally include:
+A Protagonist and his/hers function or role in the story (e.g. a mother, a cop, a scientist)
+(Optional) The Protagonist’s weakness (e.g. headstrong, timid, solitary, depressed, reckless)
+(Optional) The story?s first major event or ?Inciting Incident?
+The Protagonist’s objective goal or his/her main action in the story.
+The obstacle(s) and/or the Antagonist
+The stakes (unless implied in the goal/obstacle)
About all that we are given in this logline is what’s at stake: life or death.
Now, all the above elements are not required if the logline has a strong enough hook, a concept that immediately grabs a reader by the eyeballs and won’t let them blink until they’ve read the script or seen the movie. For example: “In a dystopian future, the Japanese government punishes a class of rebellious 9th grade students by stranding them on a remote island where they are forced to kill each other.” (Battle Royale). That’s a logline with a concept that immediately hooked my curiosity; it said all that I needed to know to want to see the movie.
Unfortunately, I don’t that kind of hook in this logline, something specific and compelling to grab my eyeballs . What’s the “something deadly when classmates start to die” — contaminated water,spoiled food, vector insects, a rabid wolf, a beserk survivalist — or?