Penpusher
Posted: 2013-08-04T09:08:34+10:00 In:

A kid named John goes to an amusement park which has a laser tag booth for his birthday with his friends enter laser tag when they find out if they don’t win they get executed

Laser Tag Wars

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    4 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      Hi, interesting idea. Is this a comedy or a horror/thriller?

      I think the logline could be refined.

      After entering a laser tag tournament a college student and his friends realize its actually a sick game of life or death with the losing team being punished by death.

      Needs work but you get the idea

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    2. Logliner

      Interesting concept! I feel if it was worded a bit different, it could have potential.

      When a group of friends enter a laser tag tournament for a birthday party, they find out that the stakes in this harmless game could mean life and death.

      Mention the stakes with it being a life or death situation and the contrast between it being a kid’s game pretty much and the fact that losing – means execution sounds good. I’m actually warming up to the idea myself!

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    3. Samurai

      Lost the character’s name, and try to keep it simple by telling his what their “occupation” is, and what their flaw is:

      “A sheltered gamer …” (trying to inject the irony of a gamer, unused to physical activity, being forced to perform in a physically demanding environment in order to survive).

      What is the inciting incident? Is it the beginning of the game? Remember; this element should be an EVENT that happens TO the protagonist, and not something that they are pro-active in doing.

      OK … so once we know the danger is real, what is the goal? To win … but does that mean killing all of their opponents, or reaching a score, or capturing a flag, or finding the exit? Can you be specific?

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    4. Samurai

      Sorry, *lose the character’s name.

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