You’re telling us the main character gets killed, his gang gets destroyed, and they lose their territory. Surely, that’s giving away the ending? I don’t need to read the script because I know what happens.

I don’t think you can say he kills his boss when actually there is a bigger boss who can just take over. He doesn’t misread a situation either, based on your comments. He is ordered to do it by the big boss. Yeah, there may be some miscommunication but as far as the protagonist goes, that was his orders. It seems there is a character who is essential to the logline and is simply not there as it currently stands. ?I think it would be better if the MC kills the boss on the big boss’s orders and has to maintain order until the big boss comes to sort them out. Otherwise, the big inciting incident is almost accidental, and I think that’s a pretty weak inciting incident for this kinda story. It makes the MC seem weak.

You’ve said the protagonist is scheduled to meet with the big boss. Why not tell us that in the logline? That’s the ticking clock and gives us a timeline so we know the hero has to maintain order for 24 hours. You’re not telling us the hero is getting rescued in 24 hours.. this is crucial otherwise what’s the point? You’ve said in a comment, his goal is to survive but without the ticking clock, we have no idea how long for. This sounds like a crime/action/thriller to me. A thriller NEEDS a ticking clock.

What’s the big boss actually going to do though? There’s chaos and anarchy within his ranks… how’s one guy, however powerful, going to sort that out? This is a secondary point but if the result of the boss’s killing is too catastrophic then the audience won’t believe that one man will sort it out. At that point, chances are they’ll just stop caring. This relates to the point above about the ticking clock. We HAVE to believe the protagonist will make it out of this in one piece. That everything he’s doing is for a reason.

What’s the hero’s character flaw? What makes him interesting?

I’m guessing this is the logline for marketing the project? As it is, I’m not really hooked into it. That’s mostly because you’ve given away the ending. I think it could be stronger. Richiev’s is more interesting but, as he said, lacks a main character. Personally, I avoid full stops in a logline. As mrliteral constantly says on here, and I think he’s got a good point, even a comma breaks up the flow of a logline. To me, a full stop just kills it dead. Even if you did leave it almost exactly as is, you could very easily change it to “kills his boss sparking an internal war…”

I think saying “the cocaine version of Game of Thrones” isn’t coming through for me. Both are about chaos, I’ll admit, but yours looks at how chaos affects one person specifically. It’d be like Game of Thrones being exclusively told from Cersei’s POV. Richiev’s version is more GOT.

I think my main point is don’t give away the ending. I stopped caring after that.

Hope this helps.