A local message carrier, mid 20’s, travels to an island to tell a woman villager her mother died in the city. But something made him keep the news to himself, and begged never to return again.
anjudeveraPenpusher
A local message carrier, mid 20’s, travels to an island to tell a woman villager her mother died in the city. But something made him keep the news to himself, and begged never to return again.
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First of all, in a logline, the characters age is irrelevant. Secondly, your last sentence is far too vague. What made him keep it to himself? Why is he begged never to return and who is begging him? This needs a lot of work.
Did the messenger beg never to return? If so why? And return to where? This sounds interesting because it creates mystery. However, as noted above, the circumstance under which this mystery was created needs clarifying.
What was the event that made him react this way? This event needs to be described in the beginning of the logline.
The first sentence of the logline currently seems unrelated to the main plot, does the story start after he arrives at the village? Or before he leaves the city with the message?
If, after saving the woman from grief (in his mind) by not giving her the message, he begins to send letter’s to her pretending to be the mom, and during the course of that correspondence he falls in love with her, but as a result finds himself in a situation where he can’t confess his love without revealing his deception, then maybe you might have a story.
The age thing is only important if is part of the story, baby in nappy completely different to man in nappy.
You have said what leads up to the story and what happens after the story. Not the actual story.
If I was a producer what could I assess about the story? ?What happens, is it a love story, a horror story, a thriller or even a sports bio-pic.
I just can’t tell.
“A local message carrier, mid 20?s, travels to an island to tell a woman villager her mother died in the city. But something made him keep the news to himself, and begged never to return again.”
Hey? anjudevera,
So, when this local message carrier travels to an island to break some bad news to a woman villager,?what?exactly makes him keep the news to himself? To me, the way the logline is presented, this “something” seems too important for it to not have any clarity. But, if it is a third act spoiler, shift focus on him ultimately keeping the news to himself in a alternate version of this logline and simply clarify his motivation/goal for that decision.