The Central Park Brotherhood
oscuro escribaPenpusher
A lonely and renegade pigeon must abandon his reluctance and join the other park residents to expose a corrupt official, stop construction of the mall and save the old fountain, before the end of Independence Day.
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A lonely and renegade pigeon must abandon his reluctance and join the other park residents to expose a corrupt official,
You should switch this around:
“When a corrupt official (Does this thing) a renegade pigeon must…” (Then tell us what he must do)
Oscuro, this sounds more Family then Action, think of an anchor (besides water) for the park residents and this old fountain – I want to care, make it good 😉. If you want a more meaningful ticking clock change to “… before the Independence Day ground-breaking ceremony”
Well, Odie, maybe Action is wrong. Besides the motivation is not enough, another detail; it must be more personal than community water. Here, an emotional charge unites the protagonist with the destiny of the source. Maybe he was born there and that’s the only thing that reminds him of a family.
So, it could be: “save the old source, and settle accounts with the past.”
I thought of Independence Day as the ideal setting to unmask the corrupt official and expose him
That’s compelling – the fountain is the birthplace of this renegade pigeon. This is your anchor, the park residents need the water and safety, your protag wants to save his birthplace, where everything was good (before he became a renegade). This is a believable reason why he would act to join the others now. I get the Independence Day reference, but in your OP that hit me from left field, that’s why I included “ground-breaking” so I can immediately envision something being destroyed to create new.
Use Richiev example along with these points to recreate your logline – you’re getting there!
Take care.
Hola Richiev, si, lo sé. Quise variar el clásico principio “Cuando sucede…” y darle un enfoque diferente. Hay riesgos de que no resulte, ja ja! saludos!
A lonely and renegade pigeon must abandon his reluctance… This reads too heavy handed to me. This is all gone once he joins the community. So all these words for not much big picture issues.
A pigeon must join forces with other park creatures to expose a corrupt official and save the beloved fountain.
We don’t need much more.
I love it