Coming of Age
Rutger OosterhoffLogliner
A lonely middle aged autistic man's painful journey to spread wings and not slip into a made up fantasy world – after beloved parents violently die in a car accident of his doing.
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I like the concept and there’s much you can explore with autism. Perhaps tidy up the section after the hyphen and perhaps put it first as the inciting incident? “When his beloved parents die in a car accident he caused, a lonely…” Good luck!
Good points, I will rewrite but I dont want to start with ‘after/when’ as I Always do… who can help?
So, what research into autism are you doing in order to make the lead character believable or are do you just think autistics are MAGIC?
… I don’t really have to do any research if you get what I mean. But yes, I still did quite a bit of research. This is 3/4 autob. I thought it was time to right about real emotions for once. And – although you’re not hinting on this with – “magic” I’m not a savant either. I have a big imagination, but who hasn’t. What I’m trying to learn in this forum is to focus and “order” my ideas. But thanks Lucius, your comments are always appreciated. Hope mine are to.
The MC’s goal is too vague — I have no idea what “…spread his wings…” or “…made up fantasy world…” actually mean… I don’t really know what he has to do, and I don’t know what’s really at stake, which makes it difficult to enage with the MC and plot.
Generalities/ vagueness quickly turns into cliche. For mine, it’s the specificity and simplicity that makes a logline both unique and strong.
…and in terms of “order”, I take by that you mean the ‘order’ in which the logline elements are presented (A middle aged autistic farmer / When he’s responsible for killing his parents in a car crash, a middle aged autistic factory worker…/ After causing a crash that kills his parents, a middle aged autistic painter…/ — I think that can come down taste, the type of film (or genre) you’re dealing with, as well as the internal logic of the plot… the order should suit the type of film you’re presenting. With your logline, I think jkcantell’s suggestion makes a whole lotta sense; but, it’s your film, you know it best — as long as all the elements are there, and it’s logical and specific, the order of where you place the elements is up to you… imo, anyway.
Best of luck.
Hi Rutger
If you don’t want to use after/when how about specifying the inciting incident directly as a cause.
As a result of a horrific car accident a lonely middle aged autistic man looses his beloved parents he must now find a friend in order to stop himself from slipping into a made up fantasy world.
Hope this helps.
This sounds like it could be a really haunting drama. I would avoid the use of a dash as it’s a little confusing. Also, spreading wings sounds a little vague as far as a goal. Maybe he “must choose living in the real world over a made up fantasy world” or something along those lines?
Sounds good, but isn’t there a -comma- after “parents” or even a -period- . Otherwise English is a more forgiving language than Dutch. If so, could replacing “he” for “and” be a solution? What do you think?
Thanks, I’m not good in using -comma’s- and -dashes- in any language. And spreading wings is vague. I myself was thinking stay in touch with reality?, but that phrase was too long.
Yes good point how about:
As a result of a car accident a lonely autistic man looses his beloved parents and must now find a friend in order to stop himself from slipping into a made up fantasy world.
The stakes are “slipping into an fantasy world’ or in ohter words “loosing quality of life”. jkcantwell suggestion does make a whole lotta sense, but almost every logline I (with the help of this forum) have now starts with “after” or “when” and although it works real well, it’s starting to be annoying.
Thanks Nir, looks fine now.