The Dusa
A lonely young man gets caught up in the craziness of an exclusive nightclub that he discovers might be trafficking drugs but he soon falls head over heels for a quirky girl who is addicted to the club, the only way to save her and maybe himself is to bring it all down.
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My rewrite:
When a lonely man falls for a girl addicted to a night club, he must destroy the club’s drug trafficking operation to save her.
Replace ‘man’ and ‘girl’ with occupations like doctor and nurse.
She’s addicted to the nightclub? Or is she a drug addict?
she’s addicted to being at the club all the time. She’s also seen doing drugs but if she’s not at the club it’s like she’s going through withdrawals.
You had the makings here already. Loglines just have to be tighter and more concise.
“A lonely young man gets caught up in the craziness of an exclusive nightclub that he discovers might be trafficking drugs but he soon falls head over heels for a quirky girl who is addicted to the club, the only way to save her and maybe himself is to bring it all down.”
What it boils down to is a love story with a drug addict (regardless of what the drug is) and his efforts to save her from killing herself. Try to simplify it without too many of the extraneous details.
The problem is less about the logline than the concept itself. I don’t see a “hook” and therefore, it doesn’t differentiate itself in any way. My suggestion is to create a hook for your story the highlight that in your logline.
Good luck! (Geno Scala- judge)
I believe the hook is the fact that a regular guy is being drawn into a sinister club that may be front for drug trafficking and the girl he likes is already sucked in.