Samurai
Posted: 2013-03-04T19:37:59+10:00 In:

A materialistic sell-sword is sent to discover what had stopped the flow of magic that runs the city, but when he learns that the source of the power is the harvested souls of his race, he fights the king to liberate his people.

Guardian

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    7 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      Dang. That “had” should be a “has”

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    2. There is a lot going on here and need to be trimmed. I would personally omit the part about the power being souls of people and have that as a potential twist within the story but put in the log line that he finds the power to be a threat to human race. Think that way you may save on words and keep that a shock when within the story. I’m also unsure of what a sell-sword is?!? But that may just be me.

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    3. “After discovering souls being harvested for power from a once magical city,
      a materialistic sell-sword quests to liberate his people from a maniacal king.”

      Just trimmed it down to help 😀

      Sounds like a cool concept with plenty of angles to discover. Good luck.

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    4. Samurai

      I can see what you guys mean about the logline feeling clunky.

      Here’s my issue though – the protagonists’ goal switches halfway through the film. They are:
      1) find the reason the power is out
      2) liberate his people from enslavement and exploitation

      In your version, Torie M L Davis, the goal of the overarching piece appears to be the liberation of his people … which it’s not, at least initially. The inciting incident is NOT the discovery of the soul harvest – this is the midpoint of the film. With that in mind, do you think it’s necessary to include both events (or catalysts) and both goals in the logline, or should it be more like yours in as far as only selecting ONE goal? Because doing it that way, I’m selling the idea of the movie based only on the second half?

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    5. I’d stick with the second goal. For example, in E.T., Elliot has two goals, “keep my pet alien”, then it switches to, “get E.T. home.” But generally, it’s the “phone home” goal that gets mentioned.

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    6. One goal could help/define his weakness.
      This could be done with the liberating connection and would be what he,
      as a character has to overcome. Which is a result of:
      The main goal. Trying to discover and reconnect the power supply.

      It sounds like the switch in the middle is a natural progression and not left of field. The only reason to try and include a midpoint is if its a change of character.

      Take the recent movie “Side Effects”
      http://scriptshadow.net/movie-review-side-effects/

      This may be worth the read and help you find the answer your looking for. 😀

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    7. Samurai

      Both extremely helpful pieces of feedback. Thanks guys.

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