Logliner
Posted: 2019-03-09T22:56:32+10:00 In:

A semi-retired military contractor accepts a special recon job involving defected Allied and Enemy soldiers in the Middle-East, there, the PMCs uncover a ritualistic cult heralding the emergence of their colossal-sized Nephilim.

A semi-retired military contractor accepts a special recon job involving defected Allied and Enemy soldiers in the Middle-East, there, the PMCs uncover a ritualistic cult heralding the emergence of their colossal-sized Nephilim.
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    4 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      The potential is there.

      Another way to look at it is to consider when the Nephillim are revealed. The way the logline is now, it sounds like Act II is about preventing Act III, the emergence of the Nephillim. If so, that can be broken down into? the specific action with the cult. Or if at least one giant emerges to start Act II, then the logline needs to be adjusted for accuracy.

      I assume there’s a corrupt angel involved and women being impregnated. (Makes me think the angel heads the cult or was somehow captured and the cult developed around it.) If so and they have a large role in the story, then include them in the logline as they would be some of the needed specifics. If no, then the logline should not leave open the natural assumption.

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    2. Singularity

      What happens next?

      You’ve given us a lot of information about what this contractor does but none of it really relates to the cult or the nephilim. As mentioned in previous versions, if the reader doesn’t know what a nephilim is you might have lost them. Make sure the threat is described in a way that is immediately understandable. You can go into more details in a synopsis but in a logline, you need instant understanding. Why have you moved away from the simpler “team of soldiers” idea with the leader as the protagonist?

      I like the introduction of the cult – it adds another layer to the conflict but you need to tell us what is actually happening. What is the action? What is the contractor going to do? What is his goal?

      What’s a PMC by the way? Don’t use words that someone might have to look up.

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    3. Singularity

      I have seen a few iterations of this logline.

      I think you need to add the goal of the lead character once they meet the Nephilim. (Goliath) Is the goal to escape? Is it to defeat? or is it to continue the mission of collecting the defectors?

      If that still doesn’t work then at this point maybe just go with the unorthodox logline. (Where you end the logline with the inciting incident)

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    4. Uberwriter

      What do you mean by “..heralded by an ancient Goliath”? {Herald (verb): to be a sign that something is going to happen soon}

      If you meant guarded, it is an interesting setup. You should go for a clearer Inciting incident & an obstacle that provides him with an objective goal.

      Should “funded by CIA” and “involvement of defected Allied and Enemy soldiers” be a part of your logline? That it’s a recon job seems important though. Suggested format below:

      When a local military contractor accidentally disturbs a mid-east cult guarded by an ancient goliath, he must [do this action] to [reach this objective goal]

      *If you meant heralded, ignore the review

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