Penpusher
Posted: 2020-02-19T01:09:26+10:00 In:

A misguided and jaded guidance counselor, depressed as he may be, deals with the unexpected end of his relationship. During a series of fumbles and misadventures, he tries to make a big splash back into the dating pool.

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    5 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      The actual beginning of the story is when the lead jumps back into the dating pool, The incident or cause, would be the unexpected break-up. You buried that way at the end of your logline.

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    2. Singularity

      >>An insightful, yet controversial view of the

      It is not advisable to spin or hype the plot in a logline.? Rather, tell it in a way that leaves readers with the impression it’s insightful and controversial.

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    3. Penpusher

      An insightful, yet controversial view of the misadventures a depressed guidance counselor has with friends, as he makes a splash back into the dating pool-after an unexpected break up.

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    4. Singularity

      The logline can easily be trimmed.

      “A misguided and jaded guidance counselor, depressed as he may be, deals with the unexpected end of his relationship ” –19 words — can be shortened to “When a misguided and foolish guidance counselor gets dumped, he….” –10 words. (In loglining less is more.)

      Well, people get dumped in movies all the time for all kinds of reasons.? What’s so special, unique about his getting dumped?

      And more importantly for the purpose of a logline and plot what does he do? to dive back into the dating pool with a big splash??? “Making a big splash in the dating pool”– is a good phrase, but it needs more specificity. What exactly is his game plan??

      “Fumbles and misadventures” — well, of course.? Those are standard issue items in a comedy.? What makes his fumbles and misadventures unique, different from all the other fumbles and misadventures in all the other romcoms?

      What the premise needs is a good story hook.? A feature, a unique take or twist on the genre that separates it from all the other romcoms about all the other guys who dive back into the dating pool intending to make a big splash.

      fwiw

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    5. Singularity

      Check out the formula for help with formatting. Loglines are typically one sentence under 35 words or so.

      Why is he a guidance counsellor? What bearing does this have on the story?

      I think this can easily be trimmed down. At the moment though, this is just a story about a guy who’s been dumped and is looking to start dating again. What sets it apart from any other story on a similar subject? For me, there’s simply no hook. That’s not to say there isn’t one in your head… just not in the logline as it currently stands.

      When he’s unexpectedly and unceremoniously dumped after 24 years together, a depressed guidance counsellor must…

      Then tell us what he must do and why. What’s at stake? What’s different with this idea? What’s the hook?

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