The Love of One
A mother's confession tells a young man that he has an older brother, but this older brother is in a gang; the young man must find a way into his brother's heart while breaking the hold the gang has over the older brother.
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>>the young man must find a way into his brother’s heart while breaking the hold the gang has over the older brother.
Why MUST he find his brother? And after he finds him, WHY does he take it upon himself to rescue his brother?
Nice rewrite. It exposes more about motivation (“…or lose his brother’s love forever”). However, it sounds a little naive – the younger brother knows nothing about the older one. The older brother may know about the younger, but I can’t see any strong relationship between them. Therefore, this story may be more about looking for answers (Who is my brother? Why he left us? Why didn’t mother tell me about it earlier?) rather than losing loved ones.
Hi Forrest Rawls,
I like the sound of this — it has a ‘Blood in, Blood out/ American History X’ vibe to it. I’m definitely intrigued.
The only issue I have with it (apart from being about twelve words too long…), is the hero’s goal ‘…find a way into his brother’s heart’… I can’t put my finger on it, but it feels vague… certainly not terrible though.
The following is only an attempt at dropping your word count, which at the moment sits at 43:
‘When a young man discovers his long lost older brother is entrenched in a violent gang he must find a way to extricate him or lose his brother?s love forever.’
Anyway — best of luck with this!