The Hunted
A mysterious boy is on the run after having his identity found out, will he escape from the evil prospect of the hunters chasing him every second.
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1: escaping hunters would be far more exciting than escaping the prospect of hunters.
2: If the inciting incident is the boys identity revealed, you should tell us what that identity is in your logline.
Such as:
After he’s discovered to be the rightful heir to the throne of England.
After he’s discovered to be the Anti-Christ.
After he’s discovered to be the bastard child of Adolf Hitler.
Then you can tell us what he must do to evade the hunters.
Hope the helped, good luck with this!
1: escaping hunters would be far more exciting than escaping the prospect of hunters.
2: If the inciting incident is the boys identity revealed, you should tell us what that identity is in your logline.
Such as:
After he’s discovered to be the rightful heir to the throne of England.
After he’s discovered to be the Anti-Christ.
After he’s discovered to be the bastard child of Adolf Hitler.
Then you can tell us what he must do to evade the hunters.
Hope the helped, good luck with this!
Why does it matter that his identity has been revealed? If that’s the ‘primal stakes’ driving your story, it’s 100% necessary that they’re made clear in the logline. I don’t know who he is, so I don’t care that his identity has been revealed, so the story does not grip me.
Don’t ask ME if he’s going to escape – you’re the storyteller. Instead, tell me what the action he DOES take to escape the hunters is.
Who are these hunters? Is it like JUMPER and they’re some sort of police force? Or is he literally being hunted like in THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME?
Why does it matter that his identity has been revealed? If that’s the ‘primal stakes’ driving your story, it’s 100% necessary that they’re made clear in the logline. I don’t know who he is, so I don’t care that his identity has been revealed, so the story does not grip me.
Don’t ask ME if he’s going to escape – you’re the storyteller. Instead, tell me what the action he DOES take to escape the hunters is.
Who are these hunters? Is it like JUMPER and they’re some sort of police force? Or is he literally being hunted like in THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME?
Good points raise above.
I would add also that in this instance the antagonist description is of particular importance. The boy running away is a relatively mundane action that most boys will be able to do (if not have done at some point during child hood). There for the force he is running from needs to be specifically designed to increase the obstacles he is up against. A generic hunter is not scary or specific enough but: an OCD serial killer could be for example, just a crazy suggestion to illustrate what I mean.
Hoe this helps.
Good points raise above.
I would add also that in this instance the antagonist description is of particular importance. The boy running away is a relatively mundane action that most boys will be able to do (if not have done at some point during child hood). There for the force he is running from needs to be specifically designed to increase the obstacles he is up against. A generic hunter is not scary or specific enough but: an OCD serial killer could be for example, just a crazy suggestion to illustrate what I mean.
Hoe this helps.